The Rantings of Deb: August 2009

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Control

I can't handle not having it. I have to drive. I have to make the decisions. I have to be in control. But a lot of times I find it very difficult to control me. But I am good at controlling situations.

On Saturday we took our little one out to lunch at this fabulous neighborhood burger place. She is the typical 2 year old, she hates waiting and wants to trash all the crap on the table. Scott scolds her, which I hate him doing in public because it always leads to water works and "daddy is mean, make daddy be nice mommy as she wails!!

Scott and I have a policy that if she is throwing a fit, one of us will get up and leave with her. I swore that when I had kids I would NEVER let my kid act out in public and make other people uncomfortable. I, not being one to like the taste of my own words coming back on me, have stood by this. Today though was different. It was just a little baby meltdown that I quickly soothed with a hug to my sweet 2 year old and daggers shot at my husband.

But then I heard it and it took all my will power not to slap the sea cow at the table next to us. Here is this family of 4, the parents in there 50s and 2 teenagers or young 20ish college kids. The girl has on more make-up than they actually have at the make-up counter, a skin tight red mini dress and cowboy boots. Now the outfit could have been cute on someone say 150lbs less than her, but what made her unattractive was her mouth. I heard the famous words "when I have a kid..." spew from her mouth as she spoke knowingly to her parents about negative rewards when kids act up in public, and how she would never negatively reward her child with a hug because all it does is reinforce bad behavior.... blah blah blah.

I swear smoke was billowing out of my ears. She is right, you shouldn't negatively reward your children. Sure. In a perfect world. But hell we all know the world isn't perfect. It took all I had not to turn to her and say, "hey why don't you make a list of all those things you will NEVER do when you have a kid, her is my card, when you find a man desperate enough to breed with you and you have your very own sea cow call me, I'll buy you lunch and we can see if you are able to stick to that NEVER list! Until then shut the fuck up about how I comfort my daughter!!!"

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Relationships

I have a pattern. It is a pattern that I recognize and have recognized since college about my intimate relationships. I have a problem with grass being greener on the other side of the fence. I love my husband. I really and truly love him, but I know him. I know all his bad parts and all his good. There is no mystery and unfortunately there is not much else to learn. I know all there is to know or all he is ever going to let me know. I know what he is going to say before his says it and what he is going to do do before he does it.

I am bored with him.

This happens in all of my relationships right around the 4 year mark. They burn so hot and so intense and then they fizzle. I start looking and seeking out male companionship, because I like men more than women. I enjoy talking sports, hunting, fishing, cars, and beer drinking. I am a guys girl, plain and simple.

This is normally when I begin to hang hang on to my relationship because I am afraid of the unknown but I end up running anyway to something new and sparkly. The problem is I don't want to run, but I just can't seem to help it.

So here I am, surrounded by great guy friends. I love them all deeply and I know they love me. I find myself wondering what if about some of them and I am scared. I see the pattern happening. I don't want it to happen this time. I want to stay with Scott, my babies father, my husband, the man I love! But I am bored. I know I won't cheat, I don't do that, but I am scared I will throw away what I have for something else, that will satisfy me for 4 years.

Have any of you felt this way? How did you stop yourself? How did you rekindle or renew your marriage?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

My Legs Think I am a Mad Woman

I felt good all day yesterday, something about endorphins I suppose. I was so tired by bed time I just fell into bed and promptly slipped into a sweet sleep. Only to be jolted awake at 4:45 by that damn alarm clock.

I jumped up, ready to run, ready for that release, ready to prove that I am a success. That is when my legs seized up and I fell headfirst into the wall. Hot damn my body hurts. It took all I had to walk to the living room, screw bending over to tie my shoes, sweet Jesus why is my body failing me!!!!!!

I grabbed my ipod and the leash and Sasha started to dance. I breathed a big breath and said out loud "I will do this" Scott mumbled from the other room, " Good Luck, take your phone in case I need to come pick you up from out of a ditch..."

I walked out the door with Sasha pulling me, begging me to run. I walked. But soon things started to loosen and I forced my body into a slow steady jog. I did the 2 1/2 miles slowly, but completely, then I walked the rest of the 5 mile track I had laid out. I got home, did a lot of stretching, some crunches and a few push ups and hobbled to the shower.

I was wide awake and alert on the car ride to work. But when I got here I could barely walk from my car to my desk. When I went to the restroom and tried to sit on the toilet my thighs gave out and I fell on the toilet. I hurt and it is a little bit more than a good hurt, but I know this will pass, I will not let the sore trembling muscles defeat me.

I will however, let myself eat everything insight as I am starving and I will not feel guilty if that includes doughnuts!!!!!

Monday, August 17, 2009

I Started Running Again

I would love to say what a difference the weekend has made, but that would be a lie. But Kellie, you helped slap me back into reality for that I thank you. I realize that my happiness truly only depends on me and it is up to me to make the best of what there is. I need a release for my aggression, for my anger. I need something that is completely mine where the only way I can fail is if I let myself fail. I need to base my success on me and my accomplishments that have nothing to do with the floundering economy and companies struggling and cutbacks.

At 4:45 AM the alarm next to my head blasted. I groaned. Not today I will start tomorrow. I hit snooze. At 4:50 AM the second alarm blasted. I got up, grabbed my sneakers, sports bra, and ipod and headed to the living room. I did a few stretches and told myself there is no going back to bed now. It has been 8 months since I strapped those shoes on my feet and as I did the dog started dancing. I grabbed the leash and plugged in my ear buds.

I knew I wouldn't be able to run the whole time, I knew my body was tired and hadn't worked hard in a long 8 months. I pounded the pavement with those sneakers. I breathed in and out and as I ran I felt things loosen and melt. I felt clarity as my heart pounded in my chest. Sasha ran happily next to me. I turned the corner at 1/2 a mile and I found my stride. When I hit 2 miles I had to stop, I had to slow down. I had to walk.

But I completed the 5 miles, walking 2 running 3. I think I want to train for a marathon, I think that would be something I could succeed at and be proud of myself for accomplishing. Something that is just me competing with me. I think I need that.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Just Plain Tired

I don't think I can do this anymore. I am tired. I am so sick and so tired. I keep thinking one day things will get better. That one day everything will be okay, that soon I will not be struggling just to make it, that I won't slap myself for missing an exit, b/c the u-turn eats up the precious gas I am allotted to make it thru the week.

I keep hoping, I keep praying. I just don't feel like I can do this anymore. I have failed. I have failed my husband. I have failed my daughter. I have failed myself. I want so badly to provide, but things just aren't getting any easier or any better. I just don't know what else to do.

I want to crawl into my bed snuggle down with my child and go to sleep and never wake up. I hate that this life is not what I planned, is not what I imagined, is not what I dreamed of...

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Life in the Big Ole City

Everyday I become increasingly aware of the blessings in my life. Sometimes I loose sight of them in the hustle and bustle being a working mom who not only brings home the bacon, but fries it up in the pan and is then responsible for washing that pan! I am ready for Scott to find a job, any job, just something, or maybe he could learn to run the washing machine.

But I am blessed. I am blessed to have found a job yet again. I am blessed that scrubbing toilets and showers and doing other peoples laundry and dishes kept us afloat during the hard times, even proving to be quite lucrative. Hell I am still doing it for the icing of small weekend getaways with my husband and child.

I am blessed that I have a home, although it is quite small and cozy, a car that runs, and food on the table. My ability to swallow my pride during the hard times gave us that. It is difficult to accept help from your friends when family doesn't step up. I am sure you all have friends who have fallen on hard times. I challenge you to show up unexpected with a pack of diapers, a grocery bag of food, just because you know they need it and you care. I promise it will mean the world to them and allow them to exhale just a tiny bit.

I am blessed with friends like that. The $20.00 they spent meant very little to them, but it meant the world to us.

I am striving to put more away and splurge less as I dig us out of the debt that the last 3 months drove us into. With the economy the way it is credit cards were cancelled, there is no longer that safety net. But things are looking up. My light at the end of the tunnel is showing itself a little bit brighter.