The Rantings of Deb: June 2008

Monday, June 16, 2008

How I Loathe Packing

I am an organized person. Lists, cleaning schedules, I can get pretty anal about, and when my friends lead cluttered lives I can't seem to understand how they do not have the time to organize and schedule and make it work. This is really hard on me when it comes to packing.

I am having to come up with a plan of living in 2 homes and not having to cart all kinds of crap back and forth between my 2 homes. It is blowing my mind. I mean really I do not have 2 of everything nor do I want 2 of everything and I can't seem to decide what I can live without through the work week and what I can live without on the weekends.

I know my bathroom stuff (makeup, hair stuff, cleaning stuff, smelly good stuff) will make the trek back and forth. But clothes and shoes???? I just can't decide. Then there is Sophia and her stuff, mainly toys. What stays what goes?

My brain is swimming in circles and I hate hate hate packing!

It is also just so bittersweet. Leaving Scott behind and being excited about a new job and having PMS. I am a mess!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

The Man I Love

Dearest Scott-

There are reasons that I don't have words for that I love you. There are many reasons that I respect you. There are a million reasons that I need you. Your gentleness, kindness, and love that you give to our daughter tops all of the lists of reasons I have.

When we met 6 years ago in that bar and had that intoxicated exchange and became fast friends I would have never expected and never believed that I would be here today in love with you. I thought you were a strange somewhat obnoxious boy and I was engaged to your friend. I was thrown into a friendship with you that soon had me mixed up in this crazy fun companionship. You were there thru all the turmoil.

Somehow over a drunken weekend and a foot rub I ended up mesmerized by you. A short year later we were married and I was carrying our child. We went through quite a bit during that pregnancy. At times I questioned if I had made a mistake marrying you and having your child. I was scared of your addictions and lies that I couldn't understand. We made it through those dark times by the sheer grace of God.

I love you more today than I did yesterday and tomorrow I will love you more than I do at this moment. There is something magical about the exchange that I get to witness between you and Sophia. I feel honored and very blessed that the two of you see fit to allow me to witness the beauty that is the love between a father and his daughter.

I know that you are the right man. I am glad that I had the good sense to marry you and have a child with you. I know you question and worry so very much about being a good father and a good man. I just want you to know that you are a good father and you are an excellent man.

Happy Father's Day My Love.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

I am A little nervous

I keep thinking about the move to Houston and I am really getting kind of nervous. Scott will be staying here for 10 months with me coming home on the weekends with Sophia to be with him.

I am nervous that Scott will backslide into that dark world of addiction. He promises me he is a different man and that it will never happen that to much has changed in his life and he doesn't want to be that person again. I believe him, but I do still worry a bit.

I worry that some girl. Some meddling stupid girl will turn his head. That he will be so lonely and she will just turn his head and off he will go into the sunset with her. I know that is stupid to think and worry about, because I do know just how much he loves me. But yet I find myself worrying about this.

I find myself worried about all the deep dark skeletons in my own closet. I worry about being thrown back into the lions den and will I be strong enough without Scott by my side to make it.

I have a lot of male friends back home. A lot of them are exs to me. We still talk and are friends. But a lot of them have started throwing innuendos around since I am coming home. It makes me uncomfortable. It makes me mad that they seem to believe that I would ever crawl back into their beds. I am married and I love my husband, I respect him, and I would never do something to hurt him like crawl into bed with another man.

I don't know what to say to these male friends. I laugh and say yeah right in your wildest dreams, but then there is an uncomfortableness inside me that I can not explain. Why do they behave this way? Some of them are married and that always made me believe, hey we are married away to other people we can so be friends.

The only one who hasn't been that way is Buck. My darling dear best friend Buck. He respects my marriage and he respects me. Does that mean all these others are not really my friends? Did I share years of my life with them and really have no bond other than sex? Can men and women not be friends because of the whole sex thing?

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Sophia The Princess

So I am a little late to report on Sophia's birthday bash....I have been busy, really laying on a tube and floating the river keeps a girl quite busy!

Sophia turned 1. Her great day was 11 days ago. She was showered with love, presents, and what every girl loves cold hard cash! It was a stressful day for her as she was in the process of cutting 4 teeth at once and was just a tad bit cranky and who in the hell were all these people touching her toys and grabbing at her???? Did we not realize that her mouth hurt and all she wanted to do was run around and fall over as this is her latest and greatest new trick???

She did well. I did well and most importantly Scott held up under the pressure. Our little home that I thought was so roomy was packed with family and friends and rugrats. The A/C was pumping set on 55 degrees and we were all hot and sweating. The food was good but the best part of all was when everyone left except a few and the kids played in the yard under a ladybug sprinkler.

Sophia was unimpressed with the cupcakes, but she surely loved the icing!

Monday, June 09, 2008

Dog's are like Babies

I love my dog. She was Scott and mines first child. I loved her from the first moment I saw her. She snuggles into my chest at night to sleep and licks my face to wake me up in the morning when Sophia cries. She growls when she hears someone walking up to the door and dances and barks and wags herself silly when you come inside.

I take Sasha a lot of places with us. But I never leave her in the car for more than a minute and I always crack the windows. It is normally as I run in to pay for gas or something quick like that. I live in Texas, it is hotter than hell here already, temperatures reaching 99 and with the heat index well over 110. So I know that my precious first child Sasha can cook in a car and die just like my sweet Sophia can and therefore would NEVER EVER leave her in the car!

I say all of this because of today~

Today I took Sophia to daycare, ran some errands and hit the gym. I climbed on that evil elliptical machine and went to work. I stared out the window at this tan Mercedes and thought nice car. I hit the 45 minute mark and was dying I wanted my hour to be up. I stared at the tan Mercedes and then I saw them... Not 1, not 2, not 3 but 4 dogs heads popping up and down scratching at the windows, barking and panting. That car was there before I got on the machine. I was furious and worried about those little guys.

I called the police. They transferred me to animal control. I relayed my story and they sent out an officer. Turns out some little old bitty was in the coffee shop next door having coffee with the girls. Why not leave the dogs at home dumbass! I hope she enjoys her ticket and I hope to hope those dogs run away from her and find someone who will love and spoil them.

I wanted to ask the old bat so if that was your grandchild would you leave it in the car with the windows all the way up in the hot Texas sun? But I didn't. I finished my workout knowing that I may have stuck my nose in but I did the right thing. I watched countless people walk by and shake their heads when they saw the dogs, but noone did anything, noone acted. What would you do?

Friday, June 06, 2008

Happiness...

I have been floating around between depression and just plain having a case of the blahs. Things changed today.

I interviewed for a job in Houston last year and had my dreams dashed when some woman wouldn't move departments so that I could go to work there. I got a call today and an offer in writing. I am moving home.

As much as I love the hill country I hate the black hole it has been for me. It is beautiful here, the rivers...But the people are not so much my kind of people. Seems like everyone here is on some form of government assistance and screams about how the man is keeping them down. I echoed those thoughts and feelings for awhile, but then I realized it is just that people think the cost of living here is so much lower when in actuality the cost of living isn't lower. The only thing that is lower here is property taxes and the wages.

For almost three years I have struggled here to rub two pennies together. It seems my time for struggling is over. I am moving home into the warmth of all of my friends and family. I am taking a job that will be challenging and exciting where I will be able to grow with a company that really wants me there. I am thrilled.

If you could see me now I am doing a happy dance!!!!

Oh how I can't wait to be home. I may have changed a lot in the past few years, got married had a baby, but I am still ready to shake things up a bit so look out Houston here I come~!!!