Thursday, June 12, 2008

I am A little nervous

I keep thinking about the move to Houston and I am really getting kind of nervous. Scott will be staying here for 10 months with me coming home on the weekends with Sophia to be with him.

I am nervous that Scott will backslide into that dark world of addiction. He promises me he is a different man and that it will never happen that to much has changed in his life and he doesn't want to be that person again. I believe him, but I do still worry a bit.

I worry that some girl. Some meddling stupid girl will turn his head. That he will be so lonely and she will just turn his head and off he will go into the sunset with her. I know that is stupid to think and worry about, because I do know just how much he loves me. But yet I find myself worrying about this.

I find myself worried about all the deep dark skeletons in my own closet. I worry about being thrown back into the lions den and will I be strong enough without Scott by my side to make it.

I have a lot of male friends back home. A lot of them are exs to me. We still talk and are friends. But a lot of them have started throwing innuendos around since I am coming home. It makes me uncomfortable. It makes me mad that they seem to believe that I would ever crawl back into their beds. I am married and I love my husband, I respect him, and I would never do something to hurt him like crawl into bed with another man.

I don't know what to say to these male friends. I laugh and say yeah right in your wildest dreams, but then there is an uncomfortableness inside me that I can not explain. Why do they behave this way? Some of them are married and that always made me believe, hey we are married away to other people we can so be friends.

The only one who hasn't been that way is Buck. My darling dear best friend Buck. He respects my marriage and he respects me. Does that mean all these others are not really my friends? Did I share years of my life with them and really have no bond other than sex? Can men and women not be friends because of the whole sex thing?



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