The Rantings of Deb: May 2008

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Visitors

I don't know what is worse the tourists or the snow birds. But I do know what is worse than both combined, my mother is coming to town for a visit. Oh yeah you say that isn't so bad, but she is bringing my grandmother and my brother. My darling father the mediator, well he is working this weekend and will not be here to help keep sanity in the house.

They will be arriving sometime tomorrow and are here through the weekend as my darling daughter is turning 1 on Saturday. I can't believe it has already been a year since I worked to push her 8 lb. body out of mine. She has just grown so very fast. Walking and talking, oh it makes me cry just to think about it....

Needless to say today was spent scouring windows, floors, bathrooms. Dusting vacuuming and then re-dusting everything. I washed the guest room linens and I went shopping for supplies (bottle of jack and a bottle of xanax!!) for the big day and all the meals I will be left to prepare for the family.

We also have Scott's family coming over on Saturday and various friends. She will have a celebration and hopefully I will be sane when it is all over and done with, if not you will find me in a coma from too many pills and too much booze!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Open Letter

Dear Weekend Tourists--

I would like you for descending onto the small town of New Braunfels like flies on shit. It is so nice to be stuck in traffic while drunken college girls flash their boobs and all my daughter says is Momma ook ilk.

I floated the river with several thousand of you since the gas asses upped the prices so much we couldn't afford to leave this town. I watched as you threw cigarette butts, empty beers, full beers, jello shot containers, water bottles and zip lock baggies into my beloved rivers. As we floated I scooped up your trash and put it in my bag that EVERY outfitter provides to help keep our rivers clean. I kept my mouth shut. But seriously what are you??? A bunch of white trash niggers is what you are. I watched as women lost all their senses and did things that makes girls gone wild seem mild. I rolled my eyes, drank my beer and I kept my mouth shut.

I did not however keep my mouth shut when I saw you parading around town in your tiny bikinis with your swollen beer guts abounding. Do you not realize that wearing a teeny tiny bikini is the equivalent to walking around in your bra and panties???? I mean seriously did you think no one would say a word and let you eat at a restaurant without a cover up???? Please Beer flew from my nose when you walked in complaining it was cold.

Your mother would be so proud of how hungry your ass was that it ate your bottoms. I could not help but say honey put some fucking clothes on you are no longer on the river!

I am amazed and saddened by the generation that will no doubt be choosing what is best for me in my golden years. Are women older than me not doing their jobs teaching and raising their daughters???

So darling tourists who bring very little to this town fuck off. Clean up after yourselves when you leave and please for the love of god put some damn clothes on you are scaring the children!!!

Signed---

The woman who said damn is your ass hungry????

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Sleeping Beauty

I had a long day and quite a few people made me use my brain and think today onbeliefs and why I believe those beliefs. It was enlightening and a little hard facing the music that is my belief system.

I was interupted from my thoughts with a call from the daycare that Sophia had a 104 fever. I rushed from work to get her and then to get her to the doctor. She has gotten hand-foot-mouth disease at daycare from another child. Nothing to do but let it run its course. She was only comforted by being rocked in my arms with cool compresses.

As I rocked her we talked. I told her the same things I always tell her. How she was wanted, how she was planned, how much she is loved. I tell her about my hopes and my dreams for her. I want her to grow up and be someone. I want her to not be afraid to stand behind her beliefs and convictions. I want her to have a voice. I would love it if we shared some of those beliefs, but really I just want her to be happy and kind.

She has finally fallen asleep. I am sure it will be a long night of checking and rechecking her and rocking and more story telling.

I honestly do not know how single mothers do it. I am exhausted and if I didn't know I would have Scott's help throughout the night I don't think I would be able to do it.

Chemistry...

So I haven't talked about sex lately and a lot of people told me when I got it figured out to let them know. So here it is.

I talked to my doctor back in March and dropped $350.00 on a spit and blood take home hormone test that insurance didn't cover. I was going to be so pissed if something wasn't wrong with me!! I took it home and waited for the right day in my cycle, I carried around test tubes to spit in for a day and then I stabbed myself and bleed on blotter cards. I sealed it all up and sent it with the happy UPS guy. I waited. Then I waited some more.

Finally the doctor calls and says I need to come in, so I had to wait for that appointment. As it turns out, the parasite that I baked in my oven threw my body all kinds of outta whack. My hormone levels were way off, so was my thyroid, and apparently I was suffering from adrenal fatigue. All of this seriously was affecting my sex life, along with many other aspects of my life.

My doctor asked me if I had suffered post partum depression and I said I don't know. She asked about my life when I first brought Sophia home. I told her how much I loved Sophia and how cool it was to be a mom, and then I told the truth. I resented my daughter.

I loved my baby. I truly thought she was a great gift. But. Motherhood was not at all what I thought it would be. I am a selfish person and I needed and wanted me time. Hell I was breastfeeding, I couldn't be more than an hour from her or I was leaking or she was screaming. I resented my loss of sleep, I resented no me time, I resented just how much she needed ME not daddy but ME! These feelings have gone a way and I am now in love with how much she needs me and I cry at her Independence. I miss her needing me and I beat myself up for not cherishing every moment of her early days and weeks.

My doctor put me on a compound natural hormone, she put me on a specific diet and lunesta for two weeks to fix the adrenal fatigue. She told me I would feel a change in as little as 2 weeks or it may take 2 months. I was excited. I wanted to feel like me again.

I have felt a change. I do feel better. I actually have a sex drive. I think about it, I want it, hell I even pursue it. Most importantly I enjoy it again and I am not just waiting for it to be over.

Feeling like me again? Not so much. But I have come to the realization that I can't be that person I am trying to be again, because that is not me. In the past year alot has happened to change me. I became a Mom. I am alot of other things to, but becoming a mother really changes you.

So for any of you looking for that fix. Don't let anyone tell you that there is nothing wrong, to just give it time. You know your body, be active in taking care of it.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

God Doesn't Make Mistakes!

Last night I found myself talking with a dear friend of mine and listening to her woes about her inability to conceive. I feel her pain I really do. I remember the fear that I wouldn't be able to have children, lucky for me I had no problem. But for her it has been a battle.

Hormone treatments and all kinds of other things I can't spell. She was crying and judging girls who have abortions and saying God Doesn't Make Mistakes!!! I should have gotten off the phone. I shouldn't have listened. She turned on me and yelled at me how it wasn't fair that I had a beautiful healthy baby when I decided to murder a child when I was 18.

All I know is I saw red and I lashed back "well if GOD doesn't make mistakes then maybe he isn't making a mistake withy making you STERILE!!!!" "Maybe he knows you would make a horrible parent!" I heard her gasp. Tears stung my eyes. I had just verbally assaulted my friend. I normally only save this raw rude behavior for strangers, I tend to censor myself with my friends. I stuttered out I am so sorry I should have never said that, but the line went dead.

I should have never said it. But she should have never said what she said to me either.

I never meant to hurt her as I am sure she never meant to hurt me. But seriously if you are going to say God doesn't make mistakes then you have to accept it on both sides of that double edged sword. He doesn't give the crackwhore a baby by mistake, he didn't make you barren by mistake....Sucks but it is the truth if that is your stance.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Shut that Kid up before I do It For You!

It is a rare and blessed day when Scott and I make time for a date with each other. When we put forth the effort and spend good money on a baby sitter. Go somewhere to have a nice dinner together without the beauty that is our child. When we actually get to enjoy the experience of a meal out without a minor meltdown.

Friday night was one of these rare occasions.

$30.00 for a babysitter
$60.00 for dinner and drinks
The neighboring table and their inability to control their child or take the child outside so we could enjoy our meal....
PRICELESS

I wanted to leave. I complained to my waiter. I complained to the manager. I then complained to the parents and let them know just how damn rude I thought they were. Did I mention drinks with dinner???

I told them you know I feel your pain, really I do, I m paying for a babysitter so I could enjoy my meal without having to listen to a crying baby. Do you realize that your inconsiderate actions have ruined my meal??

I was of course called a bitch, management was no help and I then refused to pay for my meal and left.

I have a child. We take my child out to eat often with us. We eat early, so the restaurant isn't crowded, so when she throws her crackers she is less likely to hit someone with it. We work on manners, I bring toys. I make sure she doesn't have a meltdown. But sometimes she has one anyway and when she does Scott or I immediately remove her from the restaurant leaving the other to get the food boxed up and to pay the bill.

I think it is rude and shows lack of any kind of parenting skills when you allow your child to throw a fit in a restaurant. It is kinda like people who don't teach there kids to chew with their mouth closed or to cover their mouth when they sneeze or cough. It is wrong.

I always said I would NEVER be one of those parents with a screaming kid in public, and I am not. Why should someone else have to listen to my kid cry and carry on? The answer is simple, they shouldn't and you shouldn't!