Chemistry...
So I haven't talked about sex lately and a lot of people told me when I got it figured out to let them know. So here it is.
I talked to my doctor back in March and dropped $350.00 on a spit and blood take home hormone test that insurance didn't cover. I was going to be so pissed if something wasn't wrong with me!! I took it home and waited for the right day in my cycle, I carried around test tubes to spit in for a day and then I stabbed myself and bleed on blotter cards. I sealed it all up and sent it with the happy UPS guy. I waited. Then I waited some more.
Finally the doctor calls and says I need to come in, so I had to wait for that appointment. As it turns out, the parasite that I baked in my oven threw my body all kinds of outta whack. My hormone levels were way off, so was my thyroid, and apparently I was suffering from adrenal fatigue. All of this seriously was affecting my sex life, along with many other aspects of my life.
My doctor asked me if I had suffered post partum depression and I said I don't know. She asked about my life when I first brought Sophia home. I told her how much I loved Sophia and how cool it was to be a mom, and then I told the truth. I resented my daughter.
I loved my baby. I truly thought she was a great gift. But. Motherhood was not at all what I thought it would be. I am a selfish person and I needed and wanted me time. Hell I was breastfeeding, I couldn't be more than an hour from her or I was leaking or she was screaming. I resented my loss of sleep, I resented no me time, I resented just how much she needed ME not daddy but ME! These feelings have gone a way and I am now in love with how much she needs me and I cry at her Independence. I miss her needing me and I beat myself up for not cherishing every moment of her early days and weeks.
My doctor put me on a compound natural hormone, she put me on a specific diet and lunesta for two weeks to fix the adrenal fatigue. She told me I would feel a change in as little as 2 weeks or it may take 2 months. I was excited. I wanted to feel like me again.
I have felt a change. I do feel better. I actually have a sex drive. I think about it, I want it, hell I even pursue it. Most importantly I enjoy it again and I am not just waiting for it to be over.
Feeling like me again? Not so much. But I have come to the realization that I can't be that person I am trying to be again, because that is not me. In the past year alot has happened to change me. I became a Mom. I am alot of other things to, but becoming a mother really changes you.
So for any of you looking for that fix. Don't let anyone tell you that there is nothing wrong, to just give it time. You know your body, be active in taking care of it.
