The Rantings of Deb: April 2008

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Giving Back

When I left my ex husband there were a lot of unresolved issues. There were a lot of "friends" who thought I was a shitty person because of what it must be doing to Hunter. See Hunter has Autism, and what I was doing was sure to be very confusing to him.

I knew that Hunter needed stability and routine. I knew that seeing me intermittently in non routine doses wasn't going to be good for him, that it would make me feel better, but in the long run it would do him no good. So I kissed him good bye one day and said "Momma D loves you!" and I cried as I walked away. I have never seen him since. I made it quick like ripping off a band aide. Now maybe I was wrong, but I truly felt it was the best way to handle it.

Hunter has never gotten the care he needs or deserves because both of his parents are to ignorant and bound up in denial that Hunter suffers. It was the cause of many of the fights that Greg and I had, I knew I could do better than her. Regardless.

I am telling you all this because Autism is a real epidemic. 1 in 150 children are diagnosed. It is larger than pediatric cancer. As a used to be step parent of a child with Autism I have seen first hand how it affected Hunter and everyone who he came in contact with. He was not high functioning, he did not speak and was unable to communicate effectively.

Autism Speaks is an organization that is raising money for research and I have decided I want to become involved. So I am asking you all of you to help me do something good. If you live in or around the Austin area I am getting a team together for a walk for charity Autism Speaks is doing in November or you can donate using that little donate button over there. It is a good cause. Thanks!

Friday, April 25, 2008

Happy where I am

I have been so busy and off in my own world trying to make myself feel safe lately that I have been ignoring this little place. That and my best friend Buck has been staying with us and there have been to many nights of margaritas and craziness that I had to wait until it all settled down to come back around.

Buck and I went out for dinner and margaritas the other night while Scott was at work. It was odd to be alone with him. I haven’t been alone with Buck since before Scott and I got married. He is my best friend and he has always been there for me and I have always been there for him, but it was odd. The margaritas and shots were flowing and the conversation was great. Buck ignored his cell and we laughed and talked. Then Buck said, “your not the same anymore Deb…” “what do you mean?” I asked. “I don’t know, your just different…” This went on for a bit and then I laid it out there.

I explained in great detail my happiness, my new found joy in people and the world, the healing of my soul, the forgiving. He laughed and said no Deb that isn’t it, this isn’t a recent change. He said the last couple years there has been this change in me and the way I am. I said oh well that’s easy Buck. I love you, you are my best friend, I would do anything for you that a friend should do and sometimes more. To which he said yeah I feel the same way. Then I said but I am not IN love with you anymore. I am no longer disillusioned that one day you and I will be together, that one day you will realize that I am the perfect woman for you. Because truly I am the perfect woman for you and you should kneel at my feet and worship me, but you are NOT the perfect man for me, Scott is. I think that realization is the change you see in me, I think that I am not trying to prove to you or show you what you are missing out on. He smiled and said yeah, maybe that is it.

There was a time when I would remind him that I am in love with you and one day you will realize that I am the one for you and I won’t be in love with you anymore. There was a time that I was jealous of the women who walked in and out of his door that he took in and took care of that he professed love for. I am not that person anymore. I am happy where I am

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I Feel Violated and Angry

My car was broken into.

For years and years I have been building a CD collection that I love. 200 CDS. Music from Nellie and Eminem to Willie Nelson and Charlie Robison. Gone. From my happy hippie folk music to Prince. Gone.

I am angry and I feel so very violated. I am not angry about the cash I had stashed or the prescriptions I had just had filled. I am angry about the music. I am angry that a lot of the cds I had can't be purchased anymore easily. I am angry that it would cost me like $4000.00 to replace them.

Anyone feel like making me some CDS???

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Blissfully in Love with my Scott

I was reminded on Friday just how much I love my husband and how much I love being married to him.

I went out Friday night for a girl's night out with my single two baby daddy having neighbor. I went with the promise of free drinks while my love stayed behind and took care of our daughter. To say I was excited to go would probably be the understatement of the year, a girl lieks to have a good time and it is nice to know that you still got it if you ever want to use it.

We hit a local dive and the drinks were flowing and the men were looking ehhh okay I guess. We laughed, we people watched, and then I watched the alcohol turn her into the desperate woman on the dance floor trying to get the male attention by dancing like a whore. Now I love to dance, I always have loved to dance. I was asked and I accepted everytime someone asked, hell I didn't care what they looked like, I wasn't looking to hook up! Then there was the boy from louisiana. Oh what a beautiful hard bodied BOY. I danced with him and he smelled good, he felt good, He was 21. It was nice to know that I still got "it" whatever "it" is.

Coming home stumbling through the door I saw my husband sleeping on the couch. Seeing him there filled me with a comfort and a security of knowing that I don't have to make the bar scene anymore, that I don't have to desperately search for that guy who will complete me, I already have him in the snoring guy with chip crumbs on his chin.

I feel blessed knowing that some people spend their lives unhappy and searching for that special partner. Someone that gets them, thin or fat, crazy or sane, happy or not so much. I get to curl up every night next to my best friend and that feels so very good to me right now! I am so glad that I bit the bullet and decided to remarry.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Today I Am Not A Rock Star!

Somedays I feel like a Rock Star....

I feel this way when I get "rockstar parking" or when something completely goes my way without a hiccup. Today is not one of those days.

My morning started way before the alarm clock even thought of beeping at me. Sophia the great has a chest cold and her hacking finally woke her up and her screeching woke me at 4 am. I cleared her sweet little nose and snuggled her down in bed with Mommy & Daddy. I heard the alarm for the gym sound 45 minutes later and tried to convince myself that I could hit snooze and get up in 5 minutes. HA! After 5 minutes I sat up and reset the alarm for 6:30 and drifted back off not feeling the slightest bit guilty. At 7:15 I was awakened by my husband yelling at me that it was 7:15. I jumped and ran to the shower. I hurried through my morning routine as he hurriedly got Sophia ready. I dropped her off at daycare at 5 til 8 and walked through the doors at work right at 8am.

My day here at work has been beyond craptacular. In 5 days the spastic pace at work will subside as tax season comes to a close. I will go back to quarterlies and bookkeeping and be happy. I will not bitch. I will not complain. I will happily sit with clients and discuss every detail of financials. But today and the next 5. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME! Got it???

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Getting Things In Order

So I made a decision to be more open. As in letting my friends know about my little piece of the internet. May not be the smartest thing I have ever done, but then again I have never claimed to be the most intelligent person on the planet, I have lots of flaws. But unlike a lot of people I think my flaws are pretty damn sexy and that they should be celebrated!!! Speaking of which, here is a picture from my fabulous birthday celebration. Please meet my dearest friend JuJu and my darling Buck's girl Dawn!

So lets get busy celebrating all of my sexy flaws! What? You don't think it is sexy that I am an accountant who can't even balance her OWN checkbook???? OH COME ON!!!