Friday, April 25, 2008

Happy where I am

I have been so busy and off in my own world trying to make myself feel safe lately that I have been ignoring this little place. That and my best friend Buck has been staying with us and there have been to many nights of margaritas and craziness that I had to wait until it all settled down to come back around.

Buck and I went out for dinner and margaritas the other night while Scott was at work. It was odd to be alone with him. I haven’t been alone with Buck since before Scott and I got married. He is my best friend and he has always been there for me and I have always been there for him, but it was odd. The margaritas and shots were flowing and the conversation was great. Buck ignored his cell and we laughed and talked. Then Buck said, “your not the same anymore Deb…” “what do you mean?” I asked. “I don’t know, your just different…” This went on for a bit and then I laid it out there.

I explained in great detail my happiness, my new found joy in people and the world, the healing of my soul, the forgiving. He laughed and said no Deb that isn’t it, this isn’t a recent change. He said the last couple years there has been this change in me and the way I am. I said oh well that’s easy Buck. I love you, you are my best friend, I would do anything for you that a friend should do and sometimes more. To which he said yeah I feel the same way. Then I said but I am not IN love with you anymore. I am no longer disillusioned that one day you and I will be together, that one day you will realize that I am the perfect woman for you. Because truly I am the perfect woman for you and you should kneel at my feet and worship me, but you are NOT the perfect man for me, Scott is. I think that realization is the change you see in me, I think that I am not trying to prove to you or show you what you are missing out on. He smiled and said yeah, maybe that is it.

There was a time when I would remind him that I am in love with you and one day you will realize that I am the one for you and I won’t be in love with you anymore. There was a time that I was jealous of the women who walked in and out of his door that he took in and took care of that he professed love for. I am not that person anymore. I am happy where I am



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