Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Time to be Real

All my life I dreamed about the perfect man and the perfect marriage and the perfect family and the perfect life and the realization that I have none of those dreams is a hard reality to face. I chose an okay man, because I didn't think I was worthy of more and honestly didn't spend anytime really looking. He is a great father, he is a great guy, but as a husband not so much.

I love to yell and scream about how I don't need a man to provide for me, that anything I need or my family needs I can provide just fine and it doesn't matter which one of us gets it as long as one of us does because we are a team. Yeah that is bullshit. The truth is it shouldn't matter who gets it because we are a team, but it does matter to me. I want to be taken care of. I want to be allowed to chase my dreams, even if my dream is just the perfect haircut or those cute shoes!! I do not want to be the one pulling our little family up this steep hill all by myself without there ever being any help. When do I get to be taken care of? What about me????

Scott is out of work again. When he told me I wanted to scream and bitch and moan. I didn't. Even though that was how he reacted to me when I got laid off he blamed me told me I was worthless and beat me down. I hugged him and pulled him close and said it's okay baby, we will be fine. His response, Oh I am not worried about it, it was just a job, I will find another one.

Really??? How the fuck are you not upset? How are you not concerned? How are you not worried about how we will make it???? How does it not cross your mind that I might just decide to cut the dead weight and run and hope that someday I can depend on some child support?? Because really the reality is quite simply this, I can support Sophia and I financially. I can not support another mouth, another vehicle another gas bill, another person to insure, cloth, shoe, and feed!!!!! Sophia can't get a job and bring in some income to help but you can and it is YOUR JOB TO PROVIDE!!!! You are the man!

I know, I know all the feminist women I love and respect are shaking there heads at me, go ahead shake them!



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