Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Todd Jason Porter

Another morning on the dreaded elliptical machine. Today as I pushed and pushed myself I let my mind wander over to a place that I always knew needed healing and I always knew time would heal. I was amazed as I thought about him that my thoughts weren’t filled with hate.

Todd was my first love. He was my first a lot of things. I was 21 when we started dating in college. He was beautiful to look at and a beautiful person. I was in awe that he wanted to be with me and for 4 years I was the envy of a lot of girls. I loved him. I still do.

When I graduated college I left to work in St. Louis and then to tour the East Coast. I left Todd behind in school. Letters, phone calls, and the occasional flight to come visit me on location. My love for him never faltered, I was faithful to a man for the first time. On his birthday the year he graduated from college I set him free. Todd and I wanted different things in life. He never wanted to marry and he NEVER wanted children. After 4 years I knew this wasn’t going to change and these were very important things to me. I didn’t want to trap him with a child and marriage. I wanted him to be able to go and live his dreams, his dreams just weren’t my dreams. I sat him down and told him this and I cried and he cried, but I saw the weight lifted from him. He didn’t want me to give up my dreams of marriage and a child either.

I wasn’t prepared for the heart ache. Part of me secretly hoped he would change his mind and want those things with me. He didn’t. I was devastated. We still spoke and were friends, or so I thought. Through mutual friends I learned that the whole time I was away he and my best friend had moved in together and were playing house. Todd and I never lived together. All of a sudden I had lost my boyfriend and my best friend.

I was filled with rage. I was hurt. I was in a deep dark depression spiraling out of control. Neither of them would talk to me, I never got to confront either of them, they just never picked up the phone and never answered the door. I of course blamed her. I really should have blamed him or atleast blamed them both.

For years I have been filled with hate and hurt when I think of them. I know they are still together and live in North Austin. I know this from mutual friends. 9 years later they are together, not married, no children. Just like he wanted and he is still chasing his acting dreams. Today I thought of him and her and I was happy for them, I was happy that he got what he wanted. I was able to think about the good times I had with him, how he made me smile and I was able to think about her and the friendship we shared and I wasn’t angry and I wasn’t hurt. I never thought I would ever get to this place.

It feels good…



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