The Rantings of Deb

I decided to Move

2009-12-22T15:45:00.001-05:00

you can find me at http://www.debmactx.wordpress.com

Oh Baby!

2009-12-22T14:18:00.002-05:00

So I called and set an appointment with my doctor. Unfortunately I will not be seeing her, but her nurse practitioner, which is fine by me because even though this is baby #2 I have a few questions. Like can I still run?? The 1/2 Marathon is in 3 weeks and I am so close to being ready, can I still train and can I still run the 1/2 Marathon?? I called and spoke with the nurse and she said I would have to wait until my appointment to get answers to those questions. pfft!

I have been a googling to find out all kinds of things, like my supposed due date is 8/27, and according to a chinese calendar it is a boy, if you go by my age and conception date. It has to be real, I mean it claims a 50% accuracy! Gee 50% when it can only be a boy or a girl....

My brain has already left my head and travelled directly to my uterus!

I Be Knocked Up!

2009-12-21T16:07:00.003-05:00

A year and 3 months of trying, appointments with a specialist made. Lots of tears every month when it hasn't "worked". Well it has worked! I am so very freaking happy!!!!

Sex Vs Running!

2009-11-05T12:05:00.002-05:00

My husband made the statement last night "you have replaced sex with running!" The wine I was drinking came flying out of my nose and let me tell you pinot noir burns the nasal tissue!

Apparently Scott is jealous of the time I spend running. I replaced my smoking habit with a running habit. I did not however replace sex with running. He went on and on about how it is the most important thing to me and he feels like as soon as I get home I am running out the door to go run. Blah freaking blah. I laughed and then it hit me, he was seriously complaining about me running. I stopped laughing and sat back and thought for a minute and tried to compose my thoughts so I wouldn't start cussing him out about how completely selfish he is.

I calmy took his hand and told him:

If you really think for one minute I have replaced sex with running, I am sorry. But let me tell you what I think ok? I think that you are mad because 5 days a week I take 45 minutes and spend it on me just me noone else. For 45 minutes I get Debra time. It is the most precious and most dear time to me. It is time I used to quit smoking. It is time I use to pound the pavement and let my stress melt away so that I don't kill you or Sophia. It is the time I use to ground myself so that I can focus on you and our family. It is important to me. I am going to be completely selfish and tell you there is absolutely 100% no way in hell I am going to give that up. I need it and you having a man moment and suggesting that I am not giving you enough sex time because in that 45 minutes normally I would be scurrying around the house cleaning is crap!

I think when I get home today and strap on those lovely running shoes that I adore so much, because nike made this thing that goes in my shoe that connects with my ipod that tells me how far, how fast, and how many calories I have used, I will smile at my husband and say "I am going to go fuck the shit out of the street!"

Time to be Real

2009-11-03T11:07:00.002-05:00

All my life I dreamed about the perfect man and the perfect marriage and the perfect family and the perfect life and the realization that I have none of those dreams is a hard reality to face. I chose an okay man, because I didn't think I was worthy of more and honestly didn't spend anytime really looking. He is a great father, he is a great guy, but as a husband not so much.

I love to yell and scream about how I don't need a man to provide for me, that anything I need or my family needs I can provide just fine and it doesn't matter which one of us gets it as long as one of us does because we are a team. Yeah that is bullshit. The truth is it shouldn't matter who gets it because we are a team, but it does matter to me. I want to be taken care of. I want to be allowed to chase my dreams, even if my dream is just the perfect haircut or those cute shoes!! I do not want to be the one pulling our little family up this steep hill all by myself without there ever being any help. When do I get to be taken care of? What about me????

Scott is out of work again. When he told me I wanted to scream and bitch and moan. I didn't. Even though that was how he reacted to me when I got laid off he blamed me told me I was worthless and beat me down. I hugged him and pulled him close and said it's okay baby, we will be fine. His response, Oh I am not worried about it, it was just a job, I will find another one.

Really??? How the fuck are you not upset? How are you not concerned? How are you not worried about how we will make it???? How does it not cross your mind that I might just decide to cut the dead weight and run and hope that someday I can depend on some child support?? Because really the reality is quite simply this, I can support Sophia and I financially. I can not support another mouth, another vehicle another gas bill, another person to insure, cloth, shoe, and feed!!!!! Sophia can't get a job and bring in some income to help but you can and it is YOUR JOB TO PROVIDE!!!! You are the man!

I know, I know all the feminist women I love and respect are shaking there heads at me, go ahead shake them!

For My Paw-Paw

2009-10-08T12:16:00.002-04:00

it has almost been 4 years since my Paw-Paw died. It has been 6 years since I lost him and 12 years since I learned I would loose him long before he died. My Paw-Paw had Alzheimer's. He passed away with the mind of a child without any recollection of who any of us were.

I remember hugging him good-bye 6 years ago and knowing he would not know me again. It was heart wrenchingly painful to watch him slip away. He was never angry in his illness, he was like a sweet loving child. 6 months before he died I curled up in his arms in his hospital bed begging him to remember me, feeding him chocolates (his favorite) and asking, "Paw-Paw do you know who I am?" His response was always the same, "No but I know that I love you." I would respond with "I am your grand daughter, the first girl born to your family name in 300 years and I love you so very much!" I would place a chocolate in his mouth and ask again, "Paw-Paw do you know who I am?" The response was always the same "No but I know I love you."

I am walking in memory of him in hopes that one day they will find a cure. Please help me reach my goal in raising money for the Memory Walk here in Houston by following the link below!

Follow this Link

No More Dirty Diapers!!!!!

2009-09-22T09:26:00.002-04:00

I danced around singing "mommy is a big girl, Mommy went pee-pee in the potty!!!!" "Mommy gets a sticker cause Mommy is a big girl!!!!" I did this all day Saturday and Sunday. Sophia screamed, "NO MOMMY I WANT STICKER!!!" I calmly explained only big girls who pee-pee in the potty get stickers. She stuck out her lip and stomped to the potty, pulled down her pants and big girl panties and promptly climbed up and went pee-pee. She smiled and we danced and she yanked the sticker off my shirt and placed it on her own and said "SEE MOMMY I AM THE BIG GIRL I GET STICKER!"

We did this routine all day Saturday and Sunday. No accidents. She woke up from her naps dry but needing to potty and she woke up Monday and today dry. No more diapers. I know she will have accidents, but she is wanting the big prize at the end the week. A whole book of stickers. (Carm the tricycle will come when the accidents are completely gone!)

I tried everything, cookies, candy, brownies, begging pleading, crying...

Who would have thought my 2 year old would be so obsessed with stickers that they would do the trick? Oh happy day!!! My baby girl is a big girl now!!!!

2009-09-15T15:41:00.002-04:00

I am not a quitter.

I am not a failure.

I am still running....

I may not strap my shoes on at the butt crack of dawn everyday, but the days I don't I force myself to strap them on before super. The pounding of that pavement and the loosening of my muscles as I run, the burn that shoots through my calves, my thighs, and my enormous ghetto bootie are intoxicating to me. Sasha runs faithfully alongside of me and it no longer seems as though she is pulling me most of the way, just maybe the last leg and I am getting stronger.

So now I have a new task to face a new way only I can prove to myself that I am a success, that is to quit smoking and sign up for my very first half marathon. I can do this. I will do this. My quit date is October 1st.

However I am not a quitter so I need a new word for it, any suggestions?

Potty Training

2009-09-14T12:49:00.002-04:00

I am at a loss when it comes to the whole potty training thing. Sophia is ready, I know she is ready, she hates her diapers and refuses to wear them unless it is bedtime. I have bought her tons of big girl panties with elmo, tinker bell, and dora. She picked them out, she loves them. She completely understands that we don't want to get them dirty. She loves to sit on the toilet. She loves the feel of toilet paper on her cookie. But she will not pee or poo there.

She will peel off those cute panties and and pee and poo all over the floor then come and get you and say "ook mommy sasha go tee tee" or "ook mommy sasha go poo poo, yucky!" Why is she blaming the dog????? Why will she not go on the potty??? What am I not doing right here? I set a timer and every 30 minutes we spend 5 minutes on the potty. I know she knows she has to go, I remind her where to go, I let her watch me go, she is fascinated by either Scott or I using the potty, so how do I get her to use it?

HELP!!!

Am I Alone?

2009-09-02T09:19:00.002-04:00

Lately I find myself wondering just how healthy is it to look at the greener pastures and allow myself to fantasize. I know that I am never going to do anything. I also know that the grass really isn't greener and that this other person has just as many flaws as my husband, they are just different flaws. But yet I find myself fantasizing.

He has become a friend to my husband and we have weekly dinners with him. I realize that the only way to stop this is to stop the weekly dinners, to end the friendship because clearly I am not having healthy thoughts, but I don't want to. I don't want to because I don't want to hurt my husband by saying hey I can't get this guy out of my head. I don't want to tell this guy hey no more hanging out because I can't get you outta my head. I don't want to because, hey I really don't want to admit to all of this and look like a bad wife.

So how unhealthy is it really? Does my husband realize that everytime he leaves we have sex. Does he realize I don't open my eyes? Is it okay for me to spark up our sex life with this? I want to think this is normal. I want to say it doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you always eat at home....But is all of this okay?

Control

2009-08-25T09:46:00.002-04:00

I can't handle not having it. I have to drive. I have to make the decisions. I have to be in control. But a lot of times I find it very difficult to control me. But I am good at controlling situations.

On Saturday we took our little one out to lunch at this fabulous neighborhood burger place. She is the typical 2 year old, she hates waiting and wants to trash all the crap on the table. Scott scolds her, which I hate him doing in public because it always leads to water works and "daddy is mean, make daddy be nice mommy as she wails!!

Scott and I have a policy that if she is throwing a fit, one of us will get up and leave with her. I swore that when I had kids I would NEVER let my kid act out in public and make other people uncomfortable. I, not being one to like the taste of my own words coming back on me, have stood by this. Today though was different. It was just a little baby meltdown that I quickly soothed with a hug to my sweet 2 year old and daggers shot at my husband.

But then I heard it and it took all my will power not to slap the sea cow at the table next to us. Here is this family of 4, the parents in there 50s and 2 teenagers or young 20ish college kids. The girl has on more make-up than they actually have at the make-up counter, a skin tight red mini dress and cowboy boots. Now the outfit could have been cute on someone say 150lbs less than her, but what made her unattractive was her mouth. I heard the famous words "when I have a kid..." spew from her mouth as she spoke knowingly to her parents about negative rewards when kids act up in public, and how she would never negatively reward her child with a hug because all it does is reinforce bad behavior.... blah blah blah.

I swear smoke was billowing out of my ears. She is right, you shouldn't negatively reward your children. Sure. In a perfect world. But hell we all know the world isn't perfect. It took all I had not to turn to her and say, "hey why don't you make a list of all those things you will NEVER do when you have a kid, her is my card, when you find a man desperate enough to breed with you and you have your very own sea cow call me, I'll buy you lunch and we can see if you are able to stick to that NEVER list! Until then shut the fuck up about how I comfort my daughter!!!"

Relationships

2009-08-19T09:22:00.002-04:00

I have a pattern. It is a pattern that I recognize and have recognized since college about my intimate relationships. I have a problem with grass being greener on the other side of the fence. I love my husband. I really and truly love him, but I know him. I know all his bad parts and all his good. There is no mystery and unfortunately there is not much else to learn. I know all there is to know or all he is ever going to let me know. I know what he is going to say before his says it and what he is going to do do before he does it.

I am bored with him.

This happens in all of my relationships right around the 4 year mark. They burn so hot and so intense and then they fizzle. I start looking and seeking out male companionship, because I like men more than women. I enjoy talking sports, hunting, fishing, cars, and beer drinking. I am a guys girl, plain and simple.

This is normally when I begin to hang hang on to my relationship because I am afraid of the unknown but I end up running anyway to something new and sparkly. The problem is I don't want to run, but I just can't seem to help it.

So here I am, surrounded by great guy friends. I love them all deeply and I know they love me. I find myself wondering what if about some of them and I am scared. I see the pattern happening. I don't want it to happen this time. I want to stay with Scott, my babies father, my husband, the man I love! But I am bored. I know I won't cheat, I don't do that, but I am scared I will throw away what I have for something else, that will satisfy me for 4 years.

Have any of you felt this way? How did you stop yourself? How did you rekindle or renew your marriage?

My Legs Think I am a Mad Woman

2009-08-18T08:35:00.003-04:00

I felt good all day yesterday, something about endorphins I suppose. I was so tired by bed time I just fell into bed and promptly slipped into a sweet sleep. Only to be jolted awake at 4:45 by that damn alarm clock.

I jumped up, ready to run, ready for that release, ready to prove that I am a success. That is when my legs seized up and I fell headfirst into the wall. Hot damn my body hurts. It took all I had to walk to the living room, screw bending over to tie my shoes, sweet Jesus why is my body failing me!!!!!!

I grabbed my ipod and the leash and Sasha started to dance. I breathed a big breath and said out loud "I will do this" Scott mumbled from the other room, " Good Luck, take your phone in case I need to come pick you up from out of a ditch..."

I walked out the door with Sasha pulling me, begging me to run. I walked. But soon things started to loosen and I forced my body into a slow steady jog. I did the 2 1/2 miles slowly, but completely, then I walked the rest of the 5 mile track I had laid out. I got home, did a lot of stretching, some crunches and a few push ups and hobbled to the shower.

I was wide awake and alert on the car ride to work. But when I got here I could barely walk from my car to my desk. When I went to the restroom and tried to sit on the toilet my thighs gave out and I fell on the toilet. I hurt and it is a little bit more than a good hurt, but I know this will pass, I will not let the sore trembling muscles defeat me.

I will however, let myself eat everything insight as I am starving and I will not feel guilty if that includes doughnuts!!!!!

I Started Running Again

2009-08-17T08:49:00.002-04:00

I would love to say what a difference the weekend has made, but that would be a lie. But Kellie, you helped slap me back into reality for that I thank you. I realize that my happiness truly only depends on me and it is up to me to make the best of what there is. I need a release for my aggression, for my anger. I need something that is completely mine where the only way I can fail is if I let myself fail. I need to base my success on me and my accomplishments that have nothing to do with the floundering economy and companies struggling and cutbacks.

At 4:45 AM the alarm next to my head blasted. I groaned. Not today I will start tomorrow. I hit snooze. At 4:50 AM the second alarm blasted. I got up, grabbed my sneakers, sports bra, and ipod and headed to the living room. I did a few stretches and told myself there is no going back to bed now. It has been 8 months since I strapped those shoes on my feet and as I did the dog started dancing. I grabbed the leash and plugged in my ear buds.

I knew I wouldn't be able to run the whole time, I knew my body was tired and hadn't worked hard in a long 8 months. I pounded the pavement with those sneakers. I breathed in and out and as I ran I felt things loosen and melt. I felt clarity as my heart pounded in my chest. Sasha ran happily next to me. I turned the corner at 1/2 a mile and I found my stride. When I hit 2 miles I had to stop, I had to slow down. I had to walk.

But I completed the 5 miles, walking 2 running 3. I think I want to train for a marathon, I think that would be something I could succeed at and be proud of myself for accomplishing. Something that is just me competing with me. I think I need that.

Just Plain Tired

2009-08-13T14:14:00.003-04:00

I don't think I can do this anymore. I am tired. I am so sick and so tired. I keep thinking one day things will get better. That one day everything will be okay, that soon I will not be struggling just to make it, that I won't slap myself for missing an exit, b/c the u-turn eats up the precious gas I am allotted to make it thru the week.

I keep hoping, I keep praying. I just don't feel like I can do this anymore. I have failed. I have failed my husband. I have failed my daughter. I have failed myself. I want so badly to provide, but things just aren't getting any easier or any better. I just don't know what else to do.

I want to crawl into my bed snuggle down with my child and go to sleep and never wake up. I hate that this life is not what I planned, is not what I imagined, is not what I dreamed of...

Life in the Big Ole City

2009-08-12T10:57:00.002-04:00

Everyday I become increasingly aware of the blessings in my life. Sometimes I loose sight of them in the hustle and bustle being a working mom who not only brings home the bacon, but fries it up in the pan and is then responsible for washing that pan! I am ready for Scott to find a job, any job, just something, or maybe he could learn to run the washing machine.

But I am blessed. I am blessed to have found a job yet again. I am blessed that scrubbing toilets and showers and doing other peoples laundry and dishes kept us afloat during the hard times, even proving to be quite lucrative. Hell I am still doing it for the icing of small weekend getaways with my husband and child.

I am blessed that I have a home, although it is quite small and cozy, a car that runs, and food on the table. My ability to swallow my pride during the hard times gave us that. It is difficult to accept help from your friends when family doesn't step up. I am sure you all have friends who have fallen on hard times. I challenge you to show up unexpected with a pack of diapers, a grocery bag of food, just because you know they need it and you care. I promise it will mean the world to them and allow them to exhale just a tiny bit.

I am blessed with friends like that. The $20.00 they spent meant very little to them, but it meant the world to us.

I am striving to put more away and splurge less as I dig us out of the debt that the last 3 months drove us into. With the economy the way it is credit cards were cancelled, there is no longer that safety net. But things are looking up. My light at the end of the tunnel is showing itself a little bit brighter.

ONLINE SCAMS!!!!!

2009-06-25T10:47:00.002-04:00

So I found myself unemployed and actively searching for any kind of work to make ends meet so that we will be okay. I keep getting these online scams and it is really pissing me off. Here is the latest one and my response to the fuck head!!!

Dear applicant,

We have received your resume and on behalf of our HR department we are grateful to inform that you are acceptable for the position of Assistant Of Accountant.

Below you can find additional information about your tasks, responsibilities, salary and working conditions.

JOB DESCRIPTION

Position: Assistant Of Accountant

Department: Cost Accounting Department

Gross Salary: $ 2,000.00 per month + 5%from transactions

AIM OF THE POSITION:

BG Project is a well-established financial insurance company, a trustworthy worldwide partner, and a venerated corporate citizen. The success and strength of our business lies first and foremost with our staff. Therefore, if our actions are dynamic, modern, creative and experienced, it is due to the employees who sustain our business, and who can be best described by those four words. We offer our customers cost efficient, swift money transfer service for protecting them against financial loss. For avoiding affect of Global Money Crises and proper running customer’s business our financial representatives work on receiving payments from corporate customers directly in their region and transferring to our offices via alternative financial services and communications companies.

MAIN DUTY

Receive payments from customers

Prepare reports for each transaction

Keep periodic balance sheets of amounts and numbers of transactions

Work with money transfer systems (for detailed information please visit www.westernunion.com or www.moneygram.com )

REQUIRED SKILLS

Team work

Knowledge of MS Office

Knowledge of cash handling and record keeping standards and practices

Ability to understand and follow moderately complex oral and written instructions

WORKING CONDITIONS

Working time: part-time

During the working time it is recommended to keep the mobile on

Work at your internet-office with banks and money transfer systems

Work is performed under general supervision/guidance of the Area Financial Manager

We ask you to get back to us with a confirmation on whether you, after having carefully considered your job assignments, are interested in taking up this position and work for our company.

After receiving your confirmation you might be interviewed by our HR manager, besides we will provide you with Employment Agreement and the list of necessary documentation for making your personnel file.

If you have any additional questions don’t hesitate to contact us.

Best regards,

Daniel Walker

__________________

BG Project

Mr. Walker-

It is very difficult to wade through the scams from online companies. So please forgive me if this is insulting. I found myself unemployed 5 weeks ago and I was a very well paid accounting professional. Now I am scrubbing toilets and doing other peoples household chores to provide food for my daughter. What I am trying to say is I am a hardworker who will do anything to provide for my child.

Then I accept a job on-line from some person claiming to be in California that mails me fraudulent money orders to kick me while I am down. I am not an ignorant woman so before depositing them in my bank and sending the balance back to my ""BOSS"" I checked it out. Some idiot was trying to steal from me and my child. Imagine my disgust to see some people are just that cruel. I can only imagine that this is what you are trying to do. You should be ashamed of yourself, your mother is ashamed of you, and the man that made you is ashamed of you. I pray that when bad times fall on you that you do not find some money hungry ass trying to kick you when your down!!!

Sincerely

Mrs. MacFarlane

My husband is everywhere I turn

2009-06-08T10:21:00.002-04:00

I missed Scott so very much while we were separated by 3 1/2 hours and he was finishing school and I was raising Sophia alone. Now I wish he was 3 1/2 hours away. I am going stir crazy. Everytime I turn around he is right there. What are you doing? Why? Wanna take a shower?

It is like dude!!!! Leave me alone!!! I love him, I do. I feel like the worse wife ever, I just want a little space. I got so used to me time and now that has been yanked away and there is no such thing as a nice relaxing shower ALONE or late night mindless tv without his comments of "I can't believe you are watching that" or better yet the bed hog and the blanket stealer! I had forgotten all about never having me time when we were separated, I whined about being sooooo lonely. Now what I wouldn't give for 10 minutes in the shower without him feeling as though it is an invitation to join me everytime I go!

I know it will be different once we start working but right now I am going absolutely insane. I can't even check my e-mail without him standing over my shoulder. What the Hell???

Sophia is Two!!!

2009-06-01T09:16:00.003-04:00

I can't believe how big my little girl has gotten, it seems like only yesterday I was huge and begging her to come and show herself to the world. Well she has done that and has set the world on fire!!!

Alot has happened in the last 9 months since I have been here. I went through a long period of weakness missing Scott and struggling to hold everything together for him and Sophia. I never thought the day would arrive when we would be a family again and all 3 live under the same roof. The time has come and he is here. I thought things would be so very different and so much easier but God always has a way of stepping in and changing the plans and saying that isn't the path I have chosen for you.

Scott graduated from school with the promise that there was a job waiting here in Houston with me and Sophia. I was working hard and making great money, enough to support all 3 of us comfortably. Then the economic doom and gloom finally hit the construction industry here in Houston and I found myself among the unemployed. Scott job promise turned south with the floundering economy and we find ourselves preparing for a long hard struggle once again.

This time things aren't as bad as we had savings, however they will quickly dwindle. I guess the silver lining in all this is it is something we are very much use to doing. I am not afraid of government cheese! I just hate having to be someone looking for that hand out.

Sophia turned two yesterday and it was a beautiful day full of sun and a bouncy water slide, she loved it, I loved it and it meant so much to me that we were able to give her such a joyous day!

Reason 5621157963 that I hate my mother

2008-09-18T20:13:00.002-04:00

So hurricane Ike hit. Destroyed Galveston, devastated Houston and mangled Conroe. My parents live in Conroe as does my mother in law. My mother in law is quite a flaky woman, but we love her, she is Scott's mommy and Sophia's MiMi. So when we couldn't get ahold of her we were worried.

We became more worried as the days passed and we still couldn't get ahold of her. We called the police and asked for a drive by to check on her. They informed us that they were not doing those as phones were spotty and they may not be able to call back and let you know the person is okay. We became increasingly worried as days went by and we were able to reach all of our friends and my family.

See MIL lives alone. No boyfriend, no close friends that we know how to reach. Calls to her job were left unanswered. So I caved and called my mom, my mother who does nothing and asked her to drive the 10 miles to her home to see if she was alive. She asked for her numbers and reported back to me that she didn't answer her calls. Well no shit dumbass that is why I asked you to drive there!!!??!!! She then tells me she doesn't think she can make it there because of traffic. Yet a day later when I call to see if she has gone she is at the airport 45 miles from her home picking up some random non family person! Yet she can't go check on my MIL. I am pissed but I laugh it off as this is how my mom is. See BC doesn't have money and therefore is not important. BC also knows what my mother has done to Sophia and I and my mother is scared to face that music. Yet we are here thinking a tree might be on top of her or something.

It was embarrassing to say the least to have to explain to my brother in law that my mother, the woman who was there at my birth, the woman who supposedly knows better than I how to raise a child, is too shallow to go check to make sure his mother is alive because family means nothing to her.

Craig made the drive to check on his mother. 12 hours later he finds her okay without water, telephone, and power, but okay. thank God.

But hey mom thanks. Thanks for giving me one more reason to resent you, because really I didn't have enough already. What with being beaten all my life by you, being a great disappointment by being such a terrible dirty whore and oh yeah the topper watching you strike my child! You are a sick woman. I feel sorry for you. I have told Sophia that you are sick and we can't be around you anymore. Because really mom it isn't your fault that you are the way you are. You are too sick to know that there is a better way to be.

My beautiful angel....

2008-09-17T11:45:00.006-04:00

It has been great having these last few lazy days off eith Sophia. She is a sweet little angel. She is learning so much and enjoying this vacation with me and daddy so very much (thanks Ike!!) It is so fun to watch her explore and fall in love with the simple joys of summer and childhood! Watching things through her eyes makes me feel like a kid again.

Oppression???

2008-09-17T11:45:00.003-04:00

Maybe I am just an ignorant southern woman, but I am sick and tired of listening to people bad mouth Sarah Palin. People say oh she is a feminist who is for the oppression of women. I don't get that.

How is she for oppressing women? Because she is pro-life and against abortion? I am just pleased that she is a woman and a candidate who stands by her convictions. She knew her child had down syndrome and did not abort. Her teenage daughter gets knocked up and she doesn't make her have an abortion in some secret little place no one would ever know about. So to me she is really pro-life and really stands by that. I like that. I myself am pro-choice and would hate to see that right be taken from women. But I admire her convictions.

I am a Republican. I never thought I would say that. I was always very liberal and then I grew up and got a real job and made real money and wondered who the fuck is fica and futa and why do they get such a large chunk of my earnings?? I hate that the money taken from my checks is not given in a way to help the under privileged but is given in a way to hinder and hold them down. I have been on welfare. I used it as a hand up not a hand out. But there are people who have been on it for life and that is just plain wrong. If I can work so can you!

The Republican party has a lot of the same views as I do on immigration, war, healthcare, economics and foreign policy. Healthcare and Immigration are my biggest concerns. I do not want universal healthcare at all. If you do then move to a country that has it and when you need a surgery get on the waiting list and you may die before your chance to have the surgery! As far as immigration. I am all for someone coming to this country to live the American dream. Do it legally and I have not an issue with you. Learn English, work hard, and life will be good for you here. Wave your birth country's flag and bitch about what America hasn't done for you and find yourself in a shipping container aimed for your birth place.

I am scared that Obama will be elected. I am scared if he is elected he will be assassinated by some backwoods dumb redneck bubba who hates niggers. I fear when this happens a revolution will occur in this country. I feel we need a revolution, but that means fighting on our own soil. I fear that.

I like Sarah Palin, I will vote for McCain because of her. I respect her and the things she has done in her very short stint in office. But can someone please explain to me why people say she is oppressing women??

I Survived Ike

2008-09-15T23:01:00.003-04:00

I guess all my moaning about missing my husband made the big guy upstairs take some notice. I never thought the Hurricane would hit Galveston, I never thought if it did it would have such an affect on Houston, where I now live. I was released from the office on Thursday at noon and told get your daughter and get home to Scott.

I didn't blink. I ran to daycare. I ran to the garage I live in. I threw our belongings in the exploder and I zoomed to sit in traffic. Traffic that turned my 4 hour drive into 10. Lucky for me I knew a few little back roads that are not on the map apparently as I was able to zoom down them at 80 with nary a care in the world, and no lines at the gas pump.

I am pleased to say that 3 large trees fell on the wicked witch of the wests house (my mother). I am non so pleased that where I stay will not have running water or electricity for up to 4 weeks. I am very pleased to say that my boss. That beautiful man that I adore, that is just brilliant I tell you, is allowing me to work remotely from New Braunfels until my jobs that I am assisting the running of have electricity!!!! That is at the very least 2 whole weeks!!!!!!

So Ike, this is where I say thank you! Thank you for devastating my city. Thank you for letting me stay with my husband. Thank you for giving me this short little break where I don't have to do it all where I get to have my love right beside me!

On the other hand Fuck you Ike, Fuck you for devastating my city and causing so many to have to suffer through your wake. I realize that the city and the surrounding areas needing a good douching out, but seriously 2 weeks or more without power and water is not so bueno. Comprende??

It is hard

2008-09-09T21:23:00.002-04:00

Every week I go to work Monday thru Friday, 6 am until 6 pm. I pick my daughter up from daycare. I feed her, bath her and have a few precious snuggle moments before I put her to sleep. Every Friday morning I load up the car for our trek home to my husband, her daddy.

We chat on the way, or I chat and she repeats daddy, asha. As all she understands is we are going to see daddy and Sasha. She sleeps some and we arrive for a whirl wind visit, that is never long enough. I miss him.

I don't see how single moms make it. I live for the weekends for a break. A chance to sleep in, to not be the only parent. Single moms and dads don't have that break. I have a new found appreciation for the strength and courage it takes to raise a child alone.

That being said, it is hard. Sophia is teething, this truly means sleepless nights, and long days at the office. I am exhausted and I am lonely and I need my husband. I need the man that I lean on to hold me up and he is 4 hours away. 4 hours away in our home while I live in a strangers garage. I feel very alone and miserable. It is hard.

8 months to go. I find myself beginning to feel a tad bit resentful that he has all this free time. Time to relax. Time to sleep. No diapers to change, no meals to prepare, no baths to give, no screams in the middle of the night to answer....

This makes me feel like a great big selfish bitch. I need to find some strength. I need to keep reminding myself this is what is going to be best for our family, he will graduate with honors in 8 months. I have to hold it together.

So I fell off the planet

2008-09-01T22:13:00.002-04:00

It has been months since my last post. Since I last visited a blog. A lot has happened and there has been a massive amount of chaos in my life. I took the job in Houston which is wonderful and really my dream job. I am excelling at it and I am thrilled to have the opportunity to learn from some really brilliant people.

My home life is where the chaos begins. I was supposed to be living with my parents while Scott stayed behind and finished school. This was all fine and good for a very short two day period. My mother and I can not get along, have never been able to get along and never will be able to get along.

This past week my parents kicked me and my daughter out. No where to go. No ability to provide housing to stay in Houston and no way to pay for child care as all of my income was going to support our home in New Braunfels and make it possible for Sophia and I to return on the weekends to see daddy.

I thought I was going to have to quit my dream job. I was a wreck. Then there came this beautiful angel and her daughter. They took Sophia and I in. They gave us a place to stay for free. Yeah for Free can you believe that??? I don't have to quit my dream job and my husband can finish school. Life is good.

The down side is my mother will never get a chance to see Sophia again. My dad says I am using my daughter to hurt my mother. My thought is simply this....

I think that the way I treat my mother is abusive and destructive and I don't want Sophia to see that example and think it is okay for a daughter to treat her mother that way. I also think and know that the way my mother treats me is destructive and abusive and I surely don't want her to think that it is okay for a mother to treat her child that way. It is an unhealthy example and I want my child to see happy healthy things. I am trying to protect her innocence and if along the way that evil twat feels some pain then I won't feel sad about that.

So what is new with you?

How I Loathe Packing

2008-06-16T12:41:00.002-04:00

I am an organized person. Lists, cleaning schedules, I can get pretty anal about, and when my friends lead cluttered lives I can't seem to understand how they do not have the time to organize and schedule and make it work. This is really hard on me when it comes to packing.

I am having to come up with a plan of living in 2 homes and not having to cart all kinds of crap back and forth between my 2 homes. It is blowing my mind. I mean really I do not have 2 of everything nor do I want 2 of everything and I can't seem to decide what I can live without through the work week and what I can live without on the weekends.

I know my bathroom stuff (makeup, hair stuff, cleaning stuff, smelly good stuff) will make the trek back and forth. But clothes and shoes???? I just can't decide. Then there is Sophia and her stuff, mainly toys. What stays what goes?

My brain is swimming in circles and I hate hate hate packing!

It is also just so bittersweet. Leaving Scott behind and being excited about a new job and having PMS. I am a mess!

The Man I Love

2008-06-14T22:34:00.004-04:00

Dearest Scott-

There are reasons that I don't have words for that I love you. There are many reasons that I respect you. There are a million reasons that I need you. Your gentleness, kindness, and love that you give to our daughter tops all of the lists of reasons I have.

When we met 6 years ago in that bar and had that intoxicated exchange and became fast friends I would have never expected and never believed that I would be here today in love with you. I thought you were a strange somewhat obnoxious boy and I was engaged to your friend. I was thrown into a friendship with you that soon had me mixed up in this crazy fun companionship. You were there thru all the turmoil.

Somehow over a drunken weekend and a foot rub I ended up mesmerized by you. A short year later we were married and I was carrying our child. We went through quite a bit during that pregnancy. At times I questioned if I had made a mistake marrying you and having your child. I was scared of your addictions and lies that I couldn't understand. We made it through those dark times by the sheer grace of God.

I love you more today than I did yesterday and tomorrow I will love you more than I do at this moment. There is something magical about the exchange that I get to witness between you and Sophia. I feel honored and very blessed that the two of you see fit to allow me to witness the beauty that is the love between a father and his daughter.

I know that you are the right man. I am glad that I had the good sense to marry you and have a child with you. I know you question and worry so very much about being a good father and a good man. I just want you to know that you are a good father and you are an excellent man.

Happy Father's Day My Love.

I am A little nervous

2008-06-12T10:38:00.003-04:00

I keep thinking about the move to Houston and I am really getting kind of nervous. Scott will be staying here for 10 months with me coming home on the weekends with Sophia to be with him.

I am nervous that Scott will backslide into that dark world of addiction. He promises me he is a different man and that it will never happen that to much has changed in his life and he doesn't want to be that person again. I believe him, but I do still worry a bit.

I worry that some girl. Some meddling stupid girl will turn his head. That he will be so lonely and she will just turn his head and off he will go into the sunset with her. I know that is stupid to think and worry about, because I do know just how much he loves me. But yet I find myself worrying about this.

I find myself worried about all the deep dark skeletons in my own closet. I worry about being thrown back into the lions den and will I be strong enough without Scott by my side to make it.

I have a lot of male friends back home. A lot of them are exs to me. We still talk and are friends. But a lot of them have started throwing innuendos around since I am coming home. It makes me uncomfortable. It makes me mad that they seem to believe that I would ever crawl back into their beds. I am married and I love my husband, I respect him, and I would never do something to hurt him like crawl into bed with another man.

I don't know what to say to these male friends. I laugh and say yeah right in your wildest dreams, but then there is an uncomfortableness inside me that I can not explain. Why do they behave this way? Some of them are married and that always made me believe, hey we are married away to other people we can so be friends.

The only one who hasn't been that way is Buck. My darling dear best friend Buck. He respects my marriage and he respects me. Does that mean all these others are not really my friends? Did I share years of my life with them and really have no bond other than sex? Can men and women not be friends because of the whole sex thing?

Sophia The Princess

2008-06-11T14:46:00.003-04:00

So I am a little late to report on Sophia's birthday bash....I have been busy, really laying on a tube and floating the river keeps a girl quite busy!

Sophia turned 1. Her great day was 11 days ago. She was showered with love, presents, and what every girl loves cold hard cash! It was a stressful day for her as she was in the process of cutting 4 teeth at once and was just a tad bit cranky and who in the hell were all these people touching her toys and grabbing at her???? Did we not realize that her mouth hurt and all she wanted to do was run around and fall over as this is her latest and greatest new trick???

She did well. I did well and most importantly Scott held up under the pressure. Our little home that I thought was so roomy was packed with family and friends and rugrats. The A/C was pumping set on 55 degrees and we were all hot and sweating. The food was good but the best part of all was when everyone left except a few and the kids played in the yard under a ladybug sprinkler.

Sophia was unimpressed with the cupcakes, but she surely loved the icing!

Dog's are like Babies

2008-06-09T13:42:00.002-04:00

I love my dog. She was Scott and mines first child. I loved her from the first moment I saw her. She snuggles into my chest at night to sleep and licks my face to wake me up in the morning when Sophia cries. She growls when she hears someone walking up to the door and dances and barks and wags herself silly when you come inside.

I take Sasha a lot of places with us. But I never leave her in the car for more than a minute and I always crack the windows. It is normally as I run in to pay for gas or something quick like that. I live in Texas, it is hotter than hell here already, temperatures reaching 99 and with the heat index well over 110. So I know that my precious first child Sasha can cook in a car and die just like my sweet Sophia can and therefore would NEVER EVER leave her in the car!

I say all of this because of today~

Today I took Sophia to daycare, ran some errands and hit the gym. I climbed on that evil elliptical machine and went to work. I stared out the window at this tan Mercedes and thought nice car. I hit the 45 minute mark and was dying I wanted my hour to be up. I stared at the tan Mercedes and then I saw them... Not 1, not 2, not 3 but 4 dogs heads popping up and down scratching at the windows, barking and panting. That car was there before I got on the machine. I was furious and worried about those little guys.

I called the police. They transferred me to animal control. I relayed my story and they sent out an officer. Turns out some little old bitty was in the coffee shop next door having coffee with the girls. Why not leave the dogs at home dumbass! I hope she enjoys her ticket and I hope to hope those dogs run away from her and find someone who will love and spoil them.

I wanted to ask the old bat so if that was your grandchild would you leave it in the car with the windows all the way up in the hot Texas sun? But I didn't. I finished my workout knowing that I may have stuck my nose in but I did the right thing. I watched countless people walk by and shake their heads when they saw the dogs, but noone did anything, noone acted. What would you do?

Happiness...

2008-06-06T15:05:00.003-04:00

I have been floating around between depression and just plain having a case of the blahs. Things changed today.

I interviewed for a job in Houston last year and had my dreams dashed when some woman wouldn't move departments so that I could go to work there. I got a call today and an offer in writing. I am moving home.

As much as I love the hill country I hate the black hole it has been for me. It is beautiful here, the rivers...But the people are not so much my kind of people. Seems like everyone here is on some form of government assistance and screams about how the man is keeping them down. I echoed those thoughts and feelings for awhile, but then I realized it is just that people think the cost of living here is so much lower when in actuality the cost of living isn't lower. The only thing that is lower here is property taxes and the wages.

For almost three years I have struggled here to rub two pennies together. It seems my time for struggling is over. I am moving home into the warmth of all of my friends and family. I am taking a job that will be challenging and exciting where I will be able to grow with a company that really wants me there. I am thrilled.

If you could see me now I am doing a happy dance!!!!

Oh how I can't wait to be home. I may have changed a lot in the past few years, got married had a baby, but I am still ready to shake things up a bit so look out Houston here I come~!!!

Visitors

2008-05-29T22:46:00.003-04:00

I don't know what is worse the tourists or the snow birds. But I do know what is worse than both combined, my mother is coming to town for a visit. Oh yeah you say that isn't so bad, but she is bringing my grandmother and my brother. My darling father the mediator, well he is working this weekend and will not be here to help keep sanity in the house.

They will be arriving sometime tomorrow and are here through the weekend as my darling daughter is turning 1 on Saturday. I can't believe it has already been a year since I worked to push her 8 lb. body out of mine. She has just grown so very fast. Walking and talking, oh it makes me cry just to think about it....

Needless to say today was spent scouring windows, floors, bathrooms. Dusting vacuuming and then re-dusting everything. I washed the guest room linens and I went shopping for supplies (bottle of jack and a bottle of xanax!!) for the big day and all the meals I will be left to prepare for the family.

We also have Scott's family coming over on Saturday and various friends. She will have a celebration and hopefully I will be sane when it is all over and done with, if not you will find me in a coma from too many pills and too much booze!

Open Letter

2008-05-27T22:09:00.003-04:00

Dear Weekend Tourists--

I would like you for descending onto the small town of New Braunfels like flies on shit. It is so nice to be stuck in traffic while drunken college girls flash their boobs and all my daughter says is Momma ook ilk.

I floated the river with several thousand of you since the gas asses upped the prices so much we couldn't afford to leave this town. I watched as you threw cigarette butts, empty beers, full beers, jello shot containers, water bottles and zip lock baggies into my beloved rivers. As we floated I scooped up your trash and put it in my bag that EVERY outfitter provides to help keep our rivers clean. I kept my mouth shut. But seriously what are you??? A bunch of white trash niggers is what you are. I watched as women lost all their senses and did things that makes girls gone wild seem mild. I rolled my eyes, drank my beer and I kept my mouth shut.

I did not however keep my mouth shut when I saw you parading around town in your tiny bikinis with your swollen beer guts abounding. Do you not realize that wearing a teeny tiny bikini is the equivalent to walking around in your bra and panties???? I mean seriously did you think no one would say a word and let you eat at a restaurant without a cover up???? Please Beer flew from my nose when you walked in complaining it was cold.

Your mother would be so proud of how hungry your ass was that it ate your bottoms. I could not help but say honey put some fucking clothes on you are no longer on the river!

I am amazed and saddened by the generation that will no doubt be choosing what is best for me in my golden years. Are women older than me not doing their jobs teaching and raising their daughters???

So darling tourists who bring very little to this town fuck off. Clean up after yourselves when you leave and please for the love of god put some damn clothes on you are scaring the children!!!

Signed---

The woman who said damn is your ass hungry????

Sleeping Beauty

2008-05-15T22:30:00.002-04:00

I had a long day and quite a few people made me use my brain and think today onbeliefs and why I believe those beliefs. It was enlightening and a little hard facing the music that is my belief system.

I was interupted from my thoughts with a call from the daycare that Sophia had a 104 fever. I rushed from work to get her and then to get her to the doctor. She has gotten hand-foot-mouth disease at daycare from another child. Nothing to do but let it run its course. She was only comforted by being rocked in my arms with cool compresses.

As I rocked her we talked. I told her the same things I always tell her. How she was wanted, how she was planned, how much she is loved. I tell her about my hopes and my dreams for her. I want her to grow up and be someone. I want her to not be afraid to stand behind her beliefs and convictions. I want her to have a voice. I would love it if we shared some of those beliefs, but really I just want her to be happy and kind.

She has finally fallen asleep. I am sure it will be a long night of checking and rechecking her and rocking and more story telling.

I honestly do not know how single mothers do it. I am exhausted and if I didn't know I would have Scott's help throughout the night I don't think I would be able to do it.

Chemistry...

2008-05-15T10:14:00.003-04:00

So I haven't talked about sex lately and a lot of people told me when I got it figured out to let them know. So here it is.

I talked to my doctor back in March and dropped $350.00 on a spit and blood take home hormone test that insurance didn't cover. I was going to be so pissed if something wasn't wrong with me!! I took it home and waited for the right day in my cycle, I carried around test tubes to spit in for a day and then I stabbed myself and bleed on blotter cards. I sealed it all up and sent it with the happy UPS guy. I waited. Then I waited some more.

Finally the doctor calls and says I need to come in, so I had to wait for that appointment. As it turns out, the parasite that I baked in my oven threw my body all kinds of outta whack. My hormone levels were way off, so was my thyroid, and apparently I was suffering from adrenal fatigue. All of this seriously was affecting my sex life, along with many other aspects of my life.

My doctor asked me if I had suffered post partum depression and I said I don't know. She asked about my life when I first brought Sophia home. I told her how much I loved Sophia and how cool it was to be a mom, and then I told the truth. I resented my daughter.

I loved my baby. I truly thought she was a great gift. But. Motherhood was not at all what I thought it would be. I am a selfish person and I needed and wanted me time. Hell I was breastfeeding, I couldn't be more than an hour from her or I was leaking or she was screaming. I resented my loss of sleep, I resented no me time, I resented just how much she needed ME not daddy but ME! These feelings have gone a way and I am now in love with how much she needs me and I cry at her Independence. I miss her needing me and I beat myself up for not cherishing every moment of her early days and weeks.

My doctor put me on a compound natural hormone, she put me on a specific diet and lunesta for two weeks to fix the adrenal fatigue. She told me I would feel a change in as little as 2 weeks or it may take 2 months. I was excited. I wanted to feel like me again.

I have felt a change. I do feel better. I actually have a sex drive. I think about it, I want it, hell I even pursue it. Most importantly I enjoy it again and I am not just waiting for it to be over.

Feeling like me again? Not so much. But I have come to the realization that I can't be that person I am trying to be again, because that is not me. In the past year alot has happened to change me. I became a Mom. I am alot of other things to, but becoming a mother really changes you.

So for any of you looking for that fix. Don't let anyone tell you that there is nothing wrong, to just give it time. You know your body, be active in taking care of it.

God Doesn't Make Mistakes!

2008-05-14T09:09:00.003-04:00

Last night I found myself talking with a dear friend of mine and listening to her woes about her inability to conceive. I feel her pain I really do. I remember the fear that I wouldn't be able to have children, lucky for me I had no problem. But for her it has been a battle.

Hormone treatments and all kinds of other things I can't spell. She was crying and judging girls who have abortions and saying God Doesn't Make Mistakes!!! I should have gotten off the phone. I shouldn't have listened. She turned on me and yelled at me how it wasn't fair that I had a beautiful healthy baby when I decided to murder a child when I was 18.

All I know is I saw red and I lashed back "well if GOD doesn't make mistakes then maybe he isn't making a mistake withy making you STERILE!!!!" "Maybe he knows you would make a horrible parent!" I heard her gasp. Tears stung my eyes. I had just verbally assaulted my friend. I normally only save this raw rude behavior for strangers, I tend to censor myself with my friends. I stuttered out I am so sorry I should have never said that, but the line went dead.

I should have never said it. But she should have never said what she said to me either.

I never meant to hurt her as I am sure she never meant to hurt me. But seriously if you are going to say God doesn't make mistakes then you have to accept it on both sides of that double edged sword. He doesn't give the crackwhore a baby by mistake, he didn't make you barren by mistake....Sucks but it is the truth if that is your stance.

Shut that Kid up before I do It For You!

2008-05-13T13:02:00.002-04:00

It is a rare and blessed day when Scott and I make time for a date with each other. When we put forth the effort and spend good money on a baby sitter. Go somewhere to have a nice dinner together without the beauty that is our child. When we actually get to enjoy the experience of a meal out without a minor meltdown.

Friday night was one of these rare occasions.

$30.00 for a babysitter
$60.00 for dinner and drinks
The neighboring table and their inability to control their child or take the child outside so we could enjoy our meal....
PRICELESS

I wanted to leave. I complained to my waiter. I complained to the manager. I then complained to the parents and let them know just how damn rude I thought they were. Did I mention drinks with dinner???

I told them you know I feel your pain, really I do, I m paying for a babysitter so I could enjoy my meal without having to listen to a crying baby. Do you realize that your inconsiderate actions have ruined my meal??

I was of course called a bitch, management was no help and I then refused to pay for my meal and left.

I have a child. We take my child out to eat often with us. We eat early, so the restaurant isn't crowded, so when she throws her crackers she is less likely to hit someone with it. We work on manners, I bring toys. I make sure she doesn't have a meltdown. But sometimes she has one anyway and when she does Scott or I immediately remove her from the restaurant leaving the other to get the food boxed up and to pay the bill.

I think it is rude and shows lack of any kind of parenting skills when you allow your child to throw a fit in a restaurant. It is kinda like people who don't teach there kids to chew with their mouth closed or to cover their mouth when they sneeze or cough. It is wrong.

I always said I would NEVER be one of those parents with a screaming kid in public, and I am not. Why should someone else have to listen to my kid cry and carry on? The answer is simple, they shouldn't and you shouldn't!

Giving Back

2008-04-29T13:25:00.002-04:00

When I left my ex husband there were a lot of unresolved issues. There were a lot of "friends" who thought I was a shitty person because of what it must be doing to Hunter. See Hunter has Autism, and what I was doing was sure to be very confusing to him.

I knew that Hunter needed stability and routine. I knew that seeing me intermittently in non routine doses wasn't going to be good for him, that it would make me feel better, but in the long run it would do him no good. So I kissed him good bye one day and said "Momma D loves you!" and I cried as I walked away. I have never seen him since. I made it quick like ripping off a band aide. Now maybe I was wrong, but I truly felt it was the best way to handle it.

Hunter has never gotten the care he needs or deserves because both of his parents are to ignorant and bound up in denial that Hunter suffers. It was the cause of many of the fights that Greg and I had, I knew I could do better than her. Regardless.

I am telling you all this because Autism is a real epidemic. 1 in 150 children are diagnosed. It is larger than pediatric cancer. As a used to be step parent of a child with Autism I have seen first hand how it affected Hunter and everyone who he came in contact with. He was not high functioning, he did not speak and was unable to communicate effectively.

Autism Speaks is an organization that is raising money for research and I have decided I want to become involved. So I am asking you all of you to help me do something good. If you live in or around the Austin area I am getting a team together for a walk for charity Autism Speaks is doing in November or you can donate using that little donate button over there. It is a good cause. Thanks!

Happy where I am

2008-04-25T09:32:00.002-04:00

I have been so busy and off in my own world trying to make myself feel safe lately that I have been ignoring this little place. That and my best friend Buck has been staying with us and there have been to many nights of margaritas and craziness that I had to wait until it all settled down to come back around.

Buck and I went out for dinner and margaritas the other night while Scott was at work. It was odd to be alone with him. I haven’t been alone with Buck since before Scott and I got married. He is my best friend and he has always been there for me and I have always been there for him, but it was odd. The margaritas and shots were flowing and the conversation was great. Buck ignored his cell and we laughed and talked. Then Buck said, “your not the same anymore Deb…” “what do you mean?” I asked. “I don’t know, your just different…” This went on for a bit and then I laid it out there.

I explained in great detail my happiness, my new found joy in people and the world, the healing of my soul, the forgiving. He laughed and said no Deb that isn’t it, this isn’t a recent change. He said the last couple years there has been this change in me and the way I am. I said oh well that’s easy Buck. I love you, you are my best friend, I would do anything for you that a friend should do and sometimes more. To which he said yeah I feel the same way. Then I said but I am not IN love with you anymore. I am no longer disillusioned that one day you and I will be together, that one day you will realize that I am the perfect woman for you. Because truly I am the perfect woman for you and you should kneel at my feet and worship me, but you are NOT the perfect man for me, Scott is. I think that realization is the change you see in me, I think that I am not trying to prove to you or show you what you are missing out on. He smiled and said yeah, maybe that is it.

There was a time when I would remind him that I am in love with you and one day you will realize that I am the one for you and I won’t be in love with you anymore. There was a time that I was jealous of the women who walked in and out of his door that he took in and took care of that he professed love for. I am not that person anymore. I am happy where I am

I Feel Violated and Angry

2008-04-16T12:23:00.002-04:00

My car was broken into.

For years and years I have been building a CD collection that I love. 200 CDS. Music from Nellie and Eminem to Willie Nelson and Charlie Robison. Gone. From my happy hippie folk music to Prince. Gone.

I am angry and I feel so very violated. I am not angry about the cash I had stashed or the prescriptions I had just had filled. I am angry about the music. I am angry that a lot of the cds I had can't be purchased anymore easily. I am angry that it would cost me like $4000.00 to replace them.

Anyone feel like making me some CDS???

Blissfully in Love with my Scott

2008-04-13T21:45:00.003-04:00

I was reminded on Friday just how much I love my husband and how much I love being married to him.

I went out Friday night for a girl's night out with my single two baby daddy having neighbor. I went with the promise of free drinks while my love stayed behind and took care of our daughter. To say I was excited to go would probably be the understatement of the year, a girl lieks to have a good time and it is nice to know that you still got it if you ever want to use it.

We hit a local dive and the drinks were flowing and the men were looking ehhh okay I guess. We laughed, we people watched, and then I watched the alcohol turn her into the desperate woman on the dance floor trying to get the male attention by dancing like a whore. Now I love to dance, I always have loved to dance. I was asked and I accepted everytime someone asked, hell I didn't care what they looked like, I wasn't looking to hook up! Then there was the boy from louisiana. Oh what a beautiful hard bodied BOY. I danced with him and he smelled good, he felt good, He was 21. It was nice to know that I still got "it" whatever "it" is.

Coming home stumbling through the door I saw my husband sleeping on the couch. Seeing him there filled me with a comfort and a security of knowing that I don't have to make the bar scene anymore, that I don't have to desperately search for that guy who will complete me, I already have him in the snoring guy with chip crumbs on his chin.

I feel blessed knowing that some people spend their lives unhappy and searching for that special partner. Someone that gets them, thin or fat, crazy or sane, happy or not so much. I get to curl up every night next to my best friend and that feels so very good to me right now! I am so glad that I bit the bullet and decided to remarry.

Today I Am Not A Rock Star!

2008-04-10T14:22:00.012-04:00

Somedays I feel like a Rock Star....

I feel this way when I get "rockstar parking" or when something completely goes my way without a hiccup. Today is not one of those days.

My morning started way before the alarm clock even thought of beeping at me. Sophia the great has a chest cold and her hacking finally woke her up and her screeching woke me at 4 am. I cleared her sweet little nose and snuggled her down in bed with Mommy & Daddy. I heard the alarm for the gym sound 45 minutes later and tried to convince myself that I could hit snooze and get up in 5 minutes. HA! After 5 minutes I sat up and reset the alarm for 6:30 and drifted back off not feeling the slightest bit guilty. At 7:15 I was awakened by my husband yelling at me that it was 7:15. I jumped and ran to the shower. I hurried through my morning routine as he hurriedly got Sophia ready. I dropped her off at daycare at 5 til 8 and walked through the doors at work right at 8am.

My day here at work has been beyond craptacular. In 5 days the spastic pace at work will subside as tax season comes to a close. I will go back to quarterlies and bookkeeping and be happy. I will not bitch. I will not complain. I will happily sit with clients and discuss every detail of financials. But today and the next 5. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME! Got it???

Getting Things In Order

2008-04-08T21:44:00.003-04:00

So I made a decision to be more open. As in letting my friends know about my little piece of the internet. May not be the smartest thing I have ever done, but then again I have never claimed to be the most intelligent person on the planet, I have lots of flaws. But unlike a lot of people I think my flaws are pretty damn sexy and that they should be celebrated!!! Speaking of which, here is a picture from my fabulous birthday celebration. Please meet my dearest friend JuJu and my darling Buck's girl Dawn!

So lets get busy celebrating all of my sexy flaws! What? You don't think it is sexy that I am an accountant who can't even balance her OWN checkbook???? OH COME ON!!!

Todd Jason Porter

2008-02-12T09:00:00.001-05:00

Another morning on the dreaded elliptical machine. Today as I pushed and pushed myself I let my mind wander over to a place that I always knew needed healing and I always knew time would heal. I was amazed as I thought about him that my thoughts weren’t filled with hate.

Todd was my first love. He was my first a lot of things. I was 21 when we started dating in college. He was beautiful to look at and a beautiful person. I was in awe that he wanted to be with me and for 4 years I was the envy of a lot of girls. I loved him. I still do.

When I graduated college I left to work in St. Louis and then to tour the East Coast. I left Todd behind in school. Letters, phone calls, and the occasional flight to come visit me on location. My love for him never faltered, I was faithful to a man for the first time. On his birthday the year he graduated from college I set him free. Todd and I wanted different things in life. He never wanted to marry and he NEVER wanted children. After 4 years I knew this wasn’t going to change and these were very important things to me. I didn’t want to trap him with a child and marriage. I wanted him to be able to go and live his dreams, his dreams just weren’t my dreams. I sat him down and told him this and I cried and he cried, but I saw the weight lifted from him. He didn’t want me to give up my dreams of marriage and a child either.

I wasn’t prepared for the heart ache. Part of me secretly hoped he would change his mind and want those things with me. He didn’t. I was devastated. We still spoke and were friends, or so I thought. Through mutual friends I learned that the whole time I was away he and my best friend had moved in together and were playing house. Todd and I never lived together. All of a sudden I had lost my boyfriend and my best friend.

I was filled with rage. I was hurt. I was in a deep dark depression spiraling out of control. Neither of them would talk to me, I never got to confront either of them, they just never picked up the phone and never answered the door. I of course blamed her. I really should have blamed him or atleast blamed them both.

For years I have been filled with hate and hurt when I think of them. I know they are still together and live in North Austin. I know this from mutual friends. 9 years later they are together, not married, no children. Just like he wanted and he is still chasing his acting dreams. Today I thought of him and her and I was happy for them, I was happy that he got what he wanted. I was able to think about the good times I had with him, how he made me smile and I was able to think about her and the friendship we shared and I wasn’t angry and I wasn’t hurt. I never thought I would ever get to this place.

It feels good…

The love of The Game

2007-12-03T12:24:00.000-05:00

My darling child is picking up mine and my husband's love of football. Sparky can rattle off stats for any player on any team from as far back as the 70s. Quite impressive for someone born in 1976! I myself can only rattle off stats and good plays by teams that I particularly enjoy. The Oilers ( hate them since they moved to Tenn.) Packers, Rams, Texans, RedSkins, Colts, Patriots and The Vikings. Sparky also has a love of college ball, which I enjoy watching with him, but I don't set out to watch it.

I love football. As a little girl I can remember sitting in my daddy's lap in the recliner with my chocolate milk and his Jack and Coke and yelling and squealing at our small T.V. cheering on the Houston Oilers in my "Luv Ya Blue" T-shirt. I remember one season sitting on the floor making a some kinda yarn pull threw thing that was a huge helmet with the Oilers logo on it, it still hangs in my Daddy's garage. This was time with Daddy. I loved it.

I learned the rules of the game. I learned about blitz's and different strategies. My Daddy loves football. I dreamed of being a big time wide receiver or running back, maybe a kicker. I wanted to play ball so my Daddy could watch me and cheer me on. I wanted to be his favorite star player!

As I got older my Daddy was always there for me. I remember dance recitals and plays. My Daddy rushing from work and never missing a moment of me being his little star on a stage. I remember rushing to hug him and being able to smell the oil from the machine shops on his skin, the sweet smell of my Daddy.

I love being able to look at my little girl and see the delight that she takes in sitting in her Daddy's arms and watching The Big Game. Sunday's with Daddy. I am so thrilled and so happy that she will be Daddy's little girl just like I am, that she will know how a good man is supposed to be and how it is suppose to feel when you are loved. I delight in the fact that I get to see my goofy husband melt when she smiles at him and know that she has him completely wrapped around her little pudgy fingers. I know that my daughter will thrive and blossom into a lovely young girl just trying to make her Daddy proud and wanting him to cheer her on as she is his favorite star player in the game of life!

Things are starting to look up

2007-11-29T12:03:00.001-05:00

Warning Sex Life Post

2007-11-26T10:25:00.002-05:00

My 36 Year old brother

2007-11-25T11:40:00.000-05:00

Lets just call him Goth Freak. My brother is 36 and has yet to grow up and realize that wearing all black and thinking that dead people are super cool and fun to hang out with, just isn't normal.

6 weeks ago my grandmother's sister passed away and a week before that is when my brother stopped speaking to me. My brother and I are freakishly close and we talk everyday. Now my brother is also a Goth Freak and we have very different ways of thinking but I have always accepted his freakishness. He calls me 7 weeks ago, I am at the store trying to check out, my daughter is screaming bloody murder and I am trying to unload my cart on the belt and soothe her, (what the hell happened to the good old days when they emptied your cart for ya????) Goth Freak calls and says so Deb did you hear the good news about our Aunt??? I yelled, "Goth Freak I do not have the time for your negative shit right now!!!" I then hung up the phone. This exchange is normal for both of us and we always let the water ride under the bridge and love each other. That is how it has been for 32 years. But we are ultimately brother and sister and we move on. I call him everyday still for 7 weeks we have not spoken, for seven weeks he has not returned my calls.

So I ask myself what has changed and was what I did really that bad. I answer myself and say no it wasn't that bad, I mean damn Deb when you stole his car, blew the motor and pushed it back home, he never quit talking to you!! So then what is left is what has changed. What has changed is he has a new girlfriend that noone in the family has met. They have been dating for oh almost a year and are serious. So maybe she has some hold on my dear older brother. I am heart broken daily when he doesn't return my calls.

On Thanksgiving morning he calls my parents house and I answer the phone. Now I answered knowing it was probably him and also because my mom and dad where locked in their room getting ready. He said hey I am on my way there. Then he began talking and joking with me like no time had slipped by in these 7 weeks. I was so happy and so thrilled. So I asked him, So Goth Freak, are you talking to me again? To which he responds, um no you are a manipulative bitch and I want nothing to do with you what so ever. I said Oh and hung up the phone. I could feel the lump in my throat and the stinging of tears in my eyes as I slid punkernoodle off of my hip into her questioning daddy's arms and I ran from the house. I ran hard and fast until the sobs in my chest caused me to collapse. I curled up on the ground and cried harder than I have cried in years. I cried for the loss of my friendship, the loss of my brother, the loss of my one true confidant, but mostly I cried for my daughter. I wanted her to know and love my brother and now I fear that she won't.

After my dramatic cry I picked myself up off the ground and slowly walked out of the woods and back to my parents. I told Sparky what was said and said please just leave it alone, but he didn't, he told my dad.

Goth Freak showed up and hardly spoke to me except in the I have to say pass the potatoes. He refused to hold my daughter or play with her claiming that babies were weird and that they scared him. He was rude to my mother and my father. He was a complete and total ass, so much so that my dad said to me that he was thinking of asking him to leave.

I know that this is his new girlfriend. I know that my brother tries to be this deep dark dude and lies about his family and his childhood. He likes to say that I was given everything and he was given nothing and that he was beaten by my father. So she in turn has to say that our family is bad and he doesn't need us. My brother and I were not treated different and he got just as much love and support as I did. He just chose a different path. A strange and different look, he chose to be a freak! I mean for the love of all humanity wear something that isn't black and realize that yes Ann Rice wrote a very lovely series called the Vampire Chronicles, but they are found in the FICTION section of the bookstore not in the BIOGRAPHY, that means they are made up stories they are not reality!!!!!!!!!!

Thankful to be Home

2007-11-24T21:43:00.000-05:00

I was so excited and thrilled as I loaded the family SUV and headed home for the holidays. I was excited to make punkernoodle's first Thanksgiving so very special, memories that I would cherish for what is left of my lifetime. I should however after 32 years with my family realize to never set my expectations to high and to never believe in happy gatherings.

I truly and honestly believe that my mother tried to poison Sparky and I Tuesday night so that she might raise our lovely Punkernoodle all on her own! My mother made some kind of grilled shrimp and her version of cannelloni. The salad she served I must say was delicious as it came from a bag, but was probably laced with ecoli! The shrimp were half cooked and tasted extremely fishy and I couldn't swallow a bite of the cannelloni, I spat it into my napkin. Scott was able to say it was very good but his mouth hurt so bad from having his wisdom tooth out. I on the other hand, ate my salad and feigned being completely full! Needless to say we were both up sick most of the night.

I spent Wed- Fri being my mother's slave. I made Breakfast all three mornings and cleaned her kitchen from top to bottom after every meal. I scrubbed the toilets and dusted, mopped and vaccummed her 3600 sq. foot home. I prepped everything for thanksgiving dinner, I made fresh bread, french onion soup, mashed potatoes, and all of the veggies. I did all of this with my daughter on my hip. My mother never once helped me with her and Sparky was off visiting friends. I never once got a thank you from my mother.

I did however get my mother telling me how to raise my daughter and trying to give her things to eat that she is not ready for. After countless hours of saying no mom she can't have that and explaining that her doctor said blah blah blah, and hearing in return well when you were a baby...and it is amazing you and your brother survived!!! I lost it. I threw down the only thing I have to make her shut the hell up and listen. I said, " You know mom I love you and I am going to try and be nice about this." "You raised me and my brother and did a great job, but this is my daughter and I am choosing to listen to her doctor when it comes to what is best for her and to listen to my own intuition as I am her care giver 24/7." "I hope that you respect me and what I say when it concerns my daughter because if you refuse to then you will not be allowed to be around her."

I hated this exchange with my mother, but I know what is best for my daughter and drinking coffee out of my mother's coffee cup at just shy of 6 months is not good for her!!!!

I had a similiar exchange with my 95 year old grandmother. She actually tried to tell me that I wasn't raising her right and that if I did raise her correctly she wouldn't rebel as a teenager. Really grandma??? Just where are you hiding the crack pipe? All children rebel. It is part of claiming independance from parents. I realize some rebel harder than others but all rebel! She actually told me that she didn't. I asked her didn't you frequent speak easy's and drink gin and dance to jazz in the 30s?? She said yes. I asked and weren't you raised SOUTHERN BABTIST??? That would be rebelling since until a few short years ago Babtists looked at dancing as communing with the devil and don't get me started on their views of drinking!

Oh how I love my family!

I am too tired to continue on about my brother and his non sense....that is another post.

I am Thankful

2007-11-17T11:57:00.001-05:00

Coffe Buzz And Weird Friend

2007-11-15T11:53:00.001-05:00

The soups for the Bread Bowls!!

2007-11-14T23:18:00.000-05:00

Jalapeno Corn Chowder is super easy and super cheap. This recipe makes 4 quarts, so you have plenty to freeze and if you freeze it in a good tuperware it can last up to 6 months.

1 lb carrots
2 sweet onions
8 ears of fresh corn
6 jalepenos
4 oz veggie oil
2 32 oz cartons of chicken broth
10 cloves of garlic ( I just used a whole garlic head cause we like it extra garlicky)
1 Pint heavy whipping cream

heat oven to 450 degrees
rub a little oil on the 6 Japs and toss them in the oven for 15 minutes to blister them. While they are blistering. dice the carrots and onions and peel the garlic(leave it whole). In a deep skillet get the remaining oil smoking hot. Toss in all the carrots, onions, and garlic, you want it to char just a tad. stir ir occassionally.
Remove your Japs from oven and pop in the 8 ears of corn in their husks, roast them for 15 minutes, while you peel and seed the blistered japs. I strongly suggest wearing gloves for this, simply because I have a tendency to rub my eye and hour later and burn the shit out of my eyes! Dice the japs and toss in with the carrot, onions, and garlic. Take them off the heat as they should be good to go. Remove corn from oven and shuck it. Cut the corn from the cobs and pour into a decent size soup pot (remember this makes 4 quarts) Empty your skillet into soup pot. Pour i the 2 32oz chicken broth, bring to a boil, turn down heat and simmer for 30 minutes.
Now this is the tricky part.
I don't have a large enough food processor so I used my blender and it took me several batches in the blender but this is how I did it.
I got a work bowl that was large enough to hold all the soup. I laddled 8 ounces at a time into my blender and hit pulse a few times until it was the desired consistency, then I poured it into my super large bowl. Once I had down all of the blending I poured the soup from the bowl back into the large soup pot, then you add the pint of heavy whipping cream and let the chowder cook down to the desired thickness, I like it creamy so I simmered it for 20 minutes.

The garnish for this is 1 pint of sourcream with the juice of 1 lime and 2 tablespoons of cumin mixed in. You put one spoon of this mixture a little shredded cheddar and some tortilla strips.

I tell you what this is by far the best soup recipe I have. It takes a couple hours, but it is worth it!

Creamy Tomato Basil
4 1/2 lbs of Plum or Italian Tomatos Peeled ( to peel boil for 20 minutes and toss in an ice bath)
1 quart of chicken or vegtable broth
1/2 pound carrots
1 large sweet onion
several cloves of garlic I used 10
1 cup of fresh minced basil
Two tablespoons of Thyme
1 pint of heavy whipping cream
Olive oil
make a sachet containing 6 fresh thyme twigs, 10 whole peppercorns, 3 bayleaves

Dice carrots and onions throw garlic in whole (This is called Mirepoix just so you know!), put in skillet and cook until soft. Pour into large soup pot. Add whole peeled tomatos, vegtable broth, & sachet, bring to a boil, turn heat down to simmer for 45 minutes, add fresh basil and thyme, continue to simmer for 10 minutes.
Remove from heat, fish out the sachet and toss in trash. Process it however you can, blender food processor, whatever. I prefer mine to be a little chunkier, but do it how you like. Return to soup pot and add the cream, simmer it down to your desired consistency.

This tastes delicious in the rosemary garlic bread bowls I made, Let me know if you like it!

Recipes

2007-11-14T19:43:00.000-05:00

Okay so a few of you asked about bread bowls and soup recipes. So today I will give you the bread bowls, cause you can make them and store them.

Rosemary & Roasted Garlic Bread Bowls~!

1 1/4 cups warm water (105-115 degrees) I used the babies digital one to check
1 tablespoon sugar
1 1/2 tablespoons active dry instant rise yeast
4 cups of all purpose or bread flour
1/2 cup pine nuts
1/3 cup powdered milk
2 tablespoons of fresh minced Rosemary (If you need some I have tons I can send you!)
1 roasted garlic ( slice top off bulb, cover in olive oil wrap in foil bake 350 degrees for 45 minute) squeeze like a zit to pop out cloves!)
2 Tablespoons additional sugar
1 egg

Combine first 3 ingrdients in a 2 cup glass measuring cup, stir to comnine and let the yeast proof. This takes about 10 minutes just let it sit there it will become foamy and spongey looking.

I don't have a food processor so I did this part by hand, but the recipe says combine all remaining ingredients in work bowl of food processor and pulse 3-4 times to combine.
Add yeast mixture and process about 15 seconds. I mixed it up by hand and it took about 3-4 minutes. Now turn it out onto a floured countertop and knead the dough. Work into a smooth dough ball. This took about 3 minutes.
Put into a large lightly greased bowl and cover with plastic wrap. Walk away and watch tv for 45 minutes until it has risen and doubled in size.
When in doubles punch down dough (gee what does that mean? it means stick your fist in the middle of it, the dough will fall. Breack into 4 equal size portions and make into a dough ball (domed flat on bottom) Place on baking sheets (I used two) Take a serrated knife and cut 3 diagnol lines across the top of each bread ball, cover loosely with plastic wrap and let it be for 30 minutes. It should double in size.

Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes, let cool on wire racks.

When it is done, slice off the tops and hollow out to fill with soup.

It really is so very easy. It sounds hard but if I can do it, so can you!!! If you are going to try it and need to have someone to call for help, just ask and I will give you my number and talk you through it! Best of ;luck!!

Who are these people?

2007-11-12T11:02:00.002-05:00

How many can you squeeze in??

2007-11-10T10:57:00.003-05:00

Finally Back.

2007-11-09T11:25:00.004-05:00

Letter to my daughter

2007-07-13T10:18:00.000-04:00

(incase things go badly)

My darling little girl-

I need you to know just how much mommy loved you. All I ever wanted was to be a mom and I always felt a little bit guilty about that. I always felt like I should want to be more, that I should want a career, that I should want to do something more important. But then you were born and I realized that there was nothing more important and nothing more rewarding than being your mother.

If I am not around to tell you certain things, there are things that I want and need you to know.

It is never okay to make fun of someone because of a disability, and being obese is a disability. Words hurt a lot longer than bruises and what takes only a minute to fly from your lips may take someone else years to get over. Hold your tongue and remember to think before you speak. Fight fair.

When it is time for boys I hope you will have been loved enough and supported enough and given enough self esteem to realize that going further will not make him like you more. Don't be like me, learn from my mistakes and know that once you give your virginity away you can never get it back. Save it for someone who really does care for you and someone you really do care for. This being said if anyone ever touches you and you don't want them to, tell someone, don't feel guilty, it is not your fault, you did nothing to deserve it and don't let them make you think you did! I promise daddy will protect you and break the neck of any boy or man who brings harm to you.

Study hard. Education is so important and it is very hard to fight fair if you are uneducated. Learn all you can about anything that you can. Go to college and have fun, it will be some of your fondest memories. Date a lot of boys or girls if that is your preference, don't tie yourself down to one person when you are too young and let them influence your decisions. Mmmy did this and missed out on a scholarship to NorthWestern and a Masters degree, be smarter than me honey!

Love and respect yourself, if you don't know one else will. You are a beautiful girl and you deserve respect. That being said we have to talk about drugs. I would be a hypocrite if I told you not to do them. I would prefer that you stayed away from them. Some people can try drugs and easily walk away with no addictions, other people will loose everything and eventually loose themselves over a little powder in their nose. You will never know which one you will be until you try them, and sweetie it really isn't worth the risk.

When you go to marry a man, marry your best friend. If you can't be completely 100% yourself with him it will not work. Marry a man that makes you laugh and rarely makes you cry. Marry a man who wants the same things in life as you do and a man who is gentle with you and with animals, this shows he will be a gentle loving husband. MArry a man who respects his mother and his father and who thinks family is important, because I know family was taught to be important to you and you need someone like you. When you marry a man know mommy will be there with you in spirit and I will be so happy if you are happy.

More than anything know that you were wanted, you were planned, and mommy loves you more than anything in the entire world.